:DDDDD

  So, I had a freaking amazing night tonight! Popped a couple tops with some of the best people I know(:

I love them! They gave me the night I've been asking for, country music a few beers and just all around amazing people!

  Got HIM off my mind for a while anyway, I've been needing that(:

  Anyways, I'm drunk drunk blogging for now, until I get upset haha. 

  Later Homies!!! :D Love y'all!

Who am I?

  Who am I?
  Am I just the girl who cries herself to sleep at night? Who doesn't even know if she's alive anymore? 
   I walk, I talk, I smile and laugh. But, what does any of that mean if you can't even remember any of it?

 What am I?
  Am I just the girl who lays her burdens on everyone else, because she's taken everyone else's for so long? The one who's finally broken?
  I breathe, I listen, I advise and help. But, what does any of it matter when you're barely standing anymore?

 Why am I?
  The one who cares the most about everyone else? Who everyone could rely on everything for?
   I help, I would kill, I would die, I carry and hold burdens that don't even belong to me, on top of my own. But, what does any of this mean to someone else when they could care less if you're six feet under?

  What have I done?
   To deserve everything I have gone through. The loss of the people that mean the most to me. That I would do literally anything for. What did I do?! 

 I listen, I keep secrets, they stay locked deep inside me, eating their way out of my heart. They tear through every little piece of self I have left. But, I fight them, I force them back down into my ever so constantly crumbling heart. 

  I'm so tired.
   Physically, mentally, emotionally.

 I'm making myself sick. I just want to vomit all the pain and secrets I have up. I want to drink them down. To be forever forgotten.

  I just want to be forgotten. Hidden away like that box of pictures from high school, of all your old boyfriends that broke your heart. Of all the faces that pain you. 

 I don't want to exist anymore. If I even still do. I just want out. Why did I get chosen to be the broken one? When did I volunteer for all of this pain?

  I've learned how to build a mask. It's held together by pieces of my heart, by the blood from my arms, and the tears from my eyes. It's built on the happiest moments I could ever recall. But, it's taken forever to make, to perfect. Now, it's cracking. I'm losing everything I've ever built.

   He took my wall, she took part of my heart, so did he, and him, oh he took a piece too, and a few pieces got lost through it all. I have given pieces of my heart to build others back up, but now I have nothing left to give, nothing left to take, Nothing left to be, nothing left to me. I've given every bit of me away. Been broken, lost a few pieces, and more pieces of me have been taken than I can count.

 But really, am I even alive anymore? I feel dead. I have one emotion anymore. I don't talk to anyone, I barely breathe on my own, I almost pass out every time I try to walk, I look in the mirror and see nothing but a corpse. The shell of a person who gave everything away, so now she's left with absolutely nothing. 

  I have a killer migraine, it's making it hard to see. I have crusty eyes from crying all day. I've almost thrown up about 32985749857 times today, and I can't hardly sit or stand up without feeling dizzy and lightheaded. 

  If I'm dying I wish it would just happen already. I want it over with. I don't want to hurt anymore, or feel anymore. I don't want to cry, to breathe. I don't want to hide who I am behind a mask anymore. 

 Who am I?
  I am a broken girl, who tries to be more than she can. I try to take on the world because I don't want people to hurt like I do. I don't want people to feel how I do. How I have always felt. I'm the girl who doesn't sleep because she's too busy crying her heart out. I'm the girl with scars on her arm, because cutting is the only pain she can control. I'm the girl who gave everything to a boy who played her for over a year and ripped her to shreds, but I would still do everything all over again, because just having him in my life means more than anyone could ever understand. I'm the girl who pretends to be someone she;s not just so she can finally feel accepted. I'm the girl who used to pop pills like candy just so she couldn't feel anything anymore. I'm the girl who tries to drink away her pain, to bury it in alcohol. To hide the tears, disguise them as drunken idiocy. I'm the girl who is easily hurt, because she is so self conscious that she's starved herself just to feel better. The girl who sings at the top of her lungs to an empty room praying that one day someone will hear her silent cries and rescue her. I'm the girl who writes her feelings out because she has no other way to express them. I'm the girl who has asthma/panic attacks because she doesn't get enough oxygen to her brain. I'm the girl who cries to her keyboard because it's the only person who understands her. I'm the girl who denies help from people because she doesn't want them to carry her burdens. I'm the girl who is pouring herself out to the whole world, because she just stopped giving a fuck. I'm the girl who just wants to be done.
 So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be done.

   I'm done.

Stress On Top Of Stress X 7,000,000

  FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK...
  All I feel lately is stress!
   School
   Bullshit
   Friends
   School Bullshit
   Bullshit Friends
   School Friends
   School Friend Bullshit
   
  I've been so upset lately. Everything is just horrid. My head hurts so bad I can hardly see. My stomach churns at the thought of ANYTHING. If I stand up I feel like I'm going to pass out.

 I feel hurt. I feel sick. I feel like absolute SHIT. 
  
  I just need some sort of release. Like alcohol, or something along those lines...
  

  Just remember one thing? Don't let someone fight for you to be happy if they're just going to get hurt in the end.

 -Night.

Romeo and Juliet ("'Viol'ate")

  Not a perfect love, but a beautiful one.
  Where love may end, but it still lasts forever.
   More beautiful than Romeo and Juliet.
    Tate and Violet.

 Dead. 
  But, so much alive.

 Their love may have ended, but they have forever.
  To fix their beautiful "dead" love.


 I wish I could explain what I mean, but I can't. It's just something about love has been brought to my eyes. Not the Beauty of it, nor the pain of it.
  But, the intensity of love.
 It's never ending.

 You can't fall out of true love.

 Tate, the most dead person you could ever meet.
  But he is so alive.
   His heart still belongs to one, and he would do ANYTHING for her.
 He would kill. Literally kill, so she could be happy.
 And that's all he wants.
 He doesn't care if he's dead and has to live forever watching the love of his life love someone else. Because he loves her more than he could ever love his murderous self.


 It's just horrid love is. The way it makes you feel inside. I can't explain it, but it's sickening.

 Love is like falling down a cliff head first into rocks, hoping that the one you love will catch you before you hit the bottom.
  Sometimes they do and you live in a cave of love, living off of each other because that's all you have is one anothers' love. But if they don't catch you, well you never really reach the bottom you just kinda fall on a ledge and then it breaks underneath you and you're left to fall forever. 

 I think of love more as a human though. 
  Tate, Tate is the epitome of what love is. He is perfection on it's purest form, but he is also the definition of flaw.

  It's the perfect love.

 Tate and Violet are the love I want to be. Forever, deadly, dead, yet so very alive.

"'Viol'ate." 

Demented Sadism

 But, to die in your arms would be the most beautiful death.

  And, to live without you would be the most deadliest life.

   A life without the one you love is not something to be lived.
   
    I'd rather die a thousand deaths and see you until I live again.

     Than to live a thousand lives and every one you not be in.


 A dead love never ends.
  It just goes on, as long as you're dead, you will be loved.
   By everyone.

 But being loved while you're alive, it's just pain.
  A pain that will never end until you're gone.


 So explain to me, please.
  What's the point in living with a painful life of love, when you can die, and be loved without the hurt.

American Horror Story

  I finally found a way to get my mind off everything.
 American Horror Story. The most insane, screwed up, horrid, terrifying show I've ever watched. It's spectacular.

 I fell in love with Tate. He's dead, yet he's still living. He's trapped in the house with many other ghosts. He's psychotic, a murderer, who's in love with girl named Violet.

 Violet wasn't dead when she met Tate. But, she overdosed on pills, Tate tried to save her. But, she still died.

  The first season is the only one on Netflix, I watched the entire season in 2 days... I'm so connected to the characters  I'm literally in love with Tate, there's just something about him that I find so enticing!

  Alright, well I'm done ranting and crying.

Rising K Photography

    So, I am a photographer. These are a few of my photographs that I've edited. You may use any picture just PLEASE don't crop out my name! (: