Fairytale Gone Wrong

  Happily ever after. Isn't that how fairy tales are supposed to end? Not, with the woman crying because her, "Prince Charming," is dying inside because his ex broke his heart, again. Right?

  I don't understand how anyone could hurt him, how anyone wouldn't want to fight for him. He gives more love than he has and his heart is made of gold. He's amazing, sweet, funny, handsome, strong, and caring. He is every girls dream. So, why in the world would you decide not to fight for him, after all he loves you with all of his heart, and that guy is not someone who would lie about something like that. He's a true guy. he never wants to hurt anyone and if he could he would heal the whole world of it's problems. 
  So why?! Are you really that stupid that you would give up someone so wonderful? Because, if you are, then you definitely don't deserve him. He deserves someone who will cook, and clean, and love him, and not whine and cry about how tired you are from cleaning all day but instead will have the house looking spotless and will have a hot homemade dinner on the table for him. He deserves a woman who will give him every piece of her heart and soul. He deserves something no woman in this world could possibly give him, but if he is willing to fight for you, then be smart enough to fight back, because obviously you have something he adores.

  It just breaks my heart to see someone I care about so dearly, in so much pain. I really just want to find you and slap some sense into you.


   Not only did you break his heart but you broke mine too. because anyone who hurts one of the people I care about, hurts me. Because I give a part of myself to everyone of my friends, and I finally gave someone my heart who would deserve it, and you fucked him over.
 It's bullshit, it really is. You're stupid.

    I just want to find a way to put his heart back together and heal all of his pain. I can't take seeing someone so hurt. It kills me.

Such Hatred, Such Trust, Such An Unwavering Love

  Why do you hate me so much?
You torture me with unwavering trust.
Then revive me with a meaningful touch.

Why do you care for me so dearly?
Open my eyes to see the world more clearly.
Then shut me out as if you fear me.

You're my best strength, and my worst weakness.
My hearts best friend, and worst enemy.
You pulled my pieces together, then tore them apart.

But out of all the things that have happened in my life, you are my favorite part.

Well... Life is looking up for... Once Upon A Time

  Roman Chavez, the one guy in this world I know I could trust with anything and that he would keep it to himself.
  Why? Because he trusts me with everything, his life secrets, his family secrets. 
  He's spectacular. He's; kind, and very handsome, trustworthy and smart.
  I don't know how to explain him, but, I think I could say he's my best friend. I care about this guy so much it's crazy.


 There's only one thing about him that absolutely terrifies me, and that is his charm. I don't know if he means to or not, but when we hang out it's like he turns on his charm and I'm just drawn in. He's not going to hurt me, I know that much. But, I'm just worried I might end up hurting myself like I have before. 
  He is the first guy that has gotten my mind off of everything, off of Troy, and Dillon, and anyone else that has hurt me. He is the first guy that when I'm with him, nothing else matters. It's like the whole world has just disappeared and it's just us. I know he would never let me get hurt, and I know that he wouldn't play me if something more did happen between us.
  But, to be honest with myself, I doubt it will go any further than just being amazing friends.. We've grown really close, we haven't even been friends for that long, maybe a week. If that? But, it's like God brought us together, and I don't mean that as in "oooh fate brought us together now lets run off and get married." I mean it as in God brought us together as people whom we knew we could trust with anything and know that they wouldn't judge us for who we were. Or what we had. Someone who would have each others back no matter what and take care of each other no matter how much or how little money we had.
  I think God knew that we both needed a friend like that. One that wasn't judgmental like all of the other people. Someone, better, someone different, yet, someone exactly the same as we are.

  Life is complicated and I can honestly say that I am SO glad I found this amazing guy, and accepted him into my life.

HOLY SHIEEEET!

  I just realized the craziest thing in the world!
   YOU!

   Oh my freakin' gosh. You're smarter than I thought. Haha, wow! I wonder why I never realized this before!


  You sir, are very intelligent, those times we meet up and all either of us want is that one thing... But instead you lay there and hold me for a minute, my head resting on your chest, your arm wrapped around me; and you just talk, only for about five minutes, but you just talk. Now I know why; yes, you just want that one thing from me but you also know that no matter what either of us want from each other that I'm going to listen to your incessant rambling, for as long as you want to ramble, because I care. But you don't want me to know that you need me to care, so that's why when ever you come over for that one thing you talk first, act, then just leave. But now it all makes sense, you need me to care for you. You need me, but you can't let me know you need me, because then I might think you wanted me, and I know you don't want me, well I don't think you want me, wait, you want me just not in the way I want you. I know now you need me though because I just had a mother fucking EPIPHANY!!!

    Okay, thank you for reading about my epiphany. I'm off to my incessant drinking, and watching of hospital like television shows.

   Hehehehe, this is why I love him. <3

The Pont Des Arts

  There is a bridge in Paris, that matches the wall on my heart, covered in locks, that never come apart.
   A wall of love, you write your name and the name of your beloved on the lock and attach it to the wall, then throw the key into the river.
   And just like in my heart the lock can never be removed. It's always going to be there as a symbol of once was meant to be forever. 
    
    But what is forever? Is it until the other person dies, or you? Or does it mean that even after you have both died that everyone who knew of this love keeps it remembered in their hearts and it is never forgotten?
     Forever; without ever ending; eternally. That is the dictionary definition of forever. Eternally; forever; infinite; the one thing that memories are, the one thing that feelings are, and the only thing that doesn't truly exist.

     Best friends; forever. That's what we say we are, but now I feel that all I am to you is a gap filler. When everyone else is busy, you know I never am, so who do you call when you're feeling lonely? Of course, you call me. I'm no longer the person you trust with everything, I'm no longer called your little sister, you seem to be pushing me away all because she came back. I have always been there for you and I always will be so why chose her over me. Oh, I know why, because, "She's family, you're family too, but she's blood." I don't give a fuck if she's blood or not, family is someone who knows all of your faults and still sees them as part of your beauty, who accepts you for who you are no matter what. They'll tell you your faults, and then stand strong by your side to help you fix them. They don't just agree with everything you say, they don't put other people down just to make you feel better, because family isn't separated by differences of opinion, they're separated by judgement. And lately all you've been doing is judging me, calling me a liar. I haven't lied to you once. Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean I have to not like them, yes, they may have done some fucked up things to someone you care about, but you've hurt people I care about and love too, so you can't use that as an excuse to get mad at me for trying to help them when they need someone.

     I know what it feels like to be alone in a fight of love, because for almost two years now I've fought for someone I love, and I've done it with no help from anyone, nobody stood beside me holding my hand telling me that it was going to be okay, nobody wiped my tears. I fought alone, I felt alone, unwanted, like I was a piece of shit that nobody cared about. So, when she came to me asking me to help her, and to stand by her, and hold her hand because she felt that way, I couldn't resist because I know what it feels like to be that way and have no one step up to prove to me that my thoughts are wrong. 

     You will always be locked onto my hearts own "Pont des Arts" wall. But I feel like our names are rubbing off and that no one can even tell who the lock belongs to anymore. Because, I've been pushed to the back burner. I don't know if anyone can even tell that we're friends anymore. So, when the time comes once again that you don't have anyone to fill your gap and you come running to me, I might just have to break your heart a little. I don't want to be your gap filler, I just want to be your best friend again.

I'm Not Too Sure

 I don't even know what to say, my mind is being over run with thoughts. I thought I'd try and type them out but it's bit working. I'm going fucking crazy. I have no gas, so I haven't left the house in 2 days. One of my socalled bestfriends is spreading bullshit rumors. I haven't hardly slept in 2 nights. I'm going crazy. You've been on my mind and I think it's because people always bring you up around me. Because they don't know that you just fucking up and left my life like the piece of shit you want everyone to think you are. Oh god I fucking hate you. I do f hate you I just hate that I love you. And that I can't look hardly anywhere in my bedroom without your face being there somewhere or something there that reminds me if you. I wish I'd never fallen in love with you. I wish I'd never met you, because then I wouldn't have to feel this pain. And god I wish I could talk to someone who didn't call my choices a mistake and would be happy for me and the choices I make. No matter what. And I don't mean my dad. He does that enough. I mean I need a friend that won't judge me for having loved you. Who won't judge me for still loving you even after everything you put me through and still are. Even though you left it doesn't mean that I gave up on loving you and being here for you. Because when you love someone you don't give up. No matter his bad it may kill you inside. 

I will always love you. Even if I move on. There will always be a special place in my heart made especially for you. 

Aging

 I feel when I get older, I'll be sitting on my couch. 

  A bottle of Jack on the shelf, Dr. Pepper in my hand. 

   And ice in my freezer. 

 I'll be smoking a cigarette taking shots and chasing it. 

  Enjoying my liquor, my nicotine, and life.

   I'll be sitting alone wondering why I'm not a wife. 

 I'm sorry for my brashness, my addiction, and my trashiness. 

  But I enjoy my liquor. Yes, even at my young age. 

   It's such a sweet deliverance from this craziness of life. 

 I hate that I enjoy it. I hate it. I hate me. 

  But it's all I can do. 

   To make myself feel free. 

Darkness Prevails

  I feel sweet ecstasy, this pain that consumes me.
   I was taught to look to the light.
     All it does is make the darkness bite.

  This consumption, is more than my paradise.
    It helps me see.
      Clears the air for me to breathe.

  There is no darkness.
    There is no light.
      Just the absence of peace.

  Or the lack of fight.
    I have no peace.
      I have no spite.

  It was taken from me when I tried my own sight.
    Don't try, especially at night.
      That's when the worst come alive.

  They can possess your mind.
    No matter how hard you fight.
      It doesn't matter, dark or light.

  Don't lose your control.
    They'll use your thoughts as a poll.
      Making you question your everything.

  Doubt the anger, the fear, and questioning.
   Be you, please, I'm begging.
     They already got me.

  Don't doubt this.
   The only way to stay free.
     I need help to find me.
 
   

A Deadly Welcoming

All I want is someone to love me for me and not judge me for having loved you and I hate when the past comes back to haunt you. I hate when the past compliments you and implies that they love you. The past is a beautiful thing but it's not for me. I don't like the past and yes I loved you but I don't need you anymore so just stay away from me. The only person I want to keep from my past is the first man I ever loved and I doubt he'll ever want me again. I'm trying so hard to change and become someone better but I can't. I'm moving on to something better but in no way is it actually better. I just want to take my pills and go to my happy place. Where I feel warm and welcome and I can't feel pain. I just want the past to fuck off and let me loose of it's ever so tightening hold. I'm moving on. I'm getting away from it all. I've been clean from pills for almost 2 months now and I'm trying so hard to keep it that way but if this shit keeps popping up it's going to drive me to pop them in my system. I miss the way they held me at night. Slowly spinning downward into my dreams. Waking up and feeling more refreshed than ever. The warm fuzzy feeling when they would finally kick in. The smile they would put on my face. And when no one else was there for me. The pills were. They always were. I gave them up to better myself. To find what reality was once more, but they keep calling me back to them. And I've been refusing and refusing but the bitter taste on my tongue, chased by a cool drink of water. It just sounds so welcoming and wonderful. 

Really?

  Wow, you really believe that the one girl who would do anything in this whole entire world, and I mean ANYTHING, would really just play you like that? And then, you run off telling her best friend how much you love her, and how much you've changed, just so you could be with her.
  No, not the girl who would give everything away for just one last day with you, but for the girl who sees you as the most terrible, person on the planet. 
 I LOVE YOU. 
  Okay? Get that through your thick ass fucking head. I would rather die than hurt you. But, no. What do I even mean to you? I'm just the girl you call on a late night when you don't wanna drink alone. The girl you know would just sit there and listen to you cry about how much you love someone else, even though it kills me inside. I'm just the girl you know will always be there no matter how many times you break my heart, or leave me hanging. I've been here for you since I met you. Love at first sight. I never believed in it until I met you. The day I watched you walk over to the truck and look me square in the hi, and introduce yourself. That's when i fell for you. 
 And it just got worse as time went on, we hung out all the time. I saw you almost everyday. Then you and her got together, 7-19-11. I couldn't forget that date even if I wanted to, which I do. It killed me, watching you fall so madly in love with her, while I just sit back and watch with a hellish fire burning in my heart and soul for you. Did I try to interfere to have you as my own? God no, never, I couldn't hurt two of my greatest friends. 
  Then time went on, y'all eventually broke up. The greatest relief was lifted off my shoulders, yet, I still had to sit back and watch her cry over you, day and night. Damn, you don't know what you had. More time went on still, and we all slowly grew apart, until one day, you realized you wanted to be with my other best friend. Haha, I still had a fiery passion for you, that was getting harder and harder to resist. yet, once again I strayed away so my friends would be happy. The day y'all got engaged, wow... I can't even explain how hot the fire in my heart got. it was like I was trapped in an incinerator. Everything inside me burned, the tears of pain, my mind from working so hard to figure out what had really just happened. And then it happened again, I watched y'all slowly grow apart,and eventually she left you for another man. Yeah, I know how bad it hurt you. Trust me, I know. Watching the person you're so deeply in love with be with someone else. I know that fucked up feeling all too well. Whether they knew it or not, I still talked to you. Why? Because I loved you and I couldn't just watch you fall into the quicksand pit named depression, with no hopes of someone pulling you out. So I was there, day, night. Any time of the day, and at all times throughout the night. I barely slept, just so I could talk to you. And fuck if you don't know the hell I went through when they found out I was still talking to you. Man, I never lived that down. And still to this day I catch the phrases, "Oh you don't need dumb fuck Troy," or, "Really Kayla, you're still friends with his punk ass," and, here's my favorite, "Let me find out you're still talking to that mother fucker." 
  But you know what I did? I brushed that shit off my shoulders and moved on, I'm tired of hiding what I feel for you. I wish I could shout it from every roof top in the world. I don't care who knows anymore. You've saved my life, you've listened to me cry, and you've held me while I cried myself to sleep in your arms. 
  I can't live without you in my life, I wish I could explain exactly what it does to me. But, that's impossible.
   Without you in my life; I can't feel, literally, I could run myself head long into a brick wall goes 100 miles an hour and not feel a thing. I can't sleep, I stay up all night thinking of ways I could get you to realize, that if you were to ever be with me, you wouldn't have to worry about me leaving you for someone else, you wouldn't have to worry about, getting played, or fucked over. You would have all of me, my heart, my soul, my mind, and my body. But, I guess the day you realize that, will be the day hell freezes over. Because, the one girl who cares about you the most in this world besides your family, could never be anything more than just a friend to you. So, I'll go on with my life. Loving you, helping you, listening to you, trying everything I can to make you see how absolutely wonderful of a man you are. While you run around, letting yourself get hurt by people that could give less than two shits about you.
  Just know, when you're ready; I'll always be here. Waiting for you to realize just how much you mean to me. Waiting to show you, how you're really supposed to be treated. I'll love you until the day and I die, and even after that I swear I'll find a way to continue loving you. You're the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I will never give up on you damnit. Never.

 I fucking love you. I always have. I always will.

Listen Here

 Alright, so I gotta say one thing. The stuff I post on here, is my internal thoughts. I don't want people running off telling my dad. "Worrying" about me. I DON'T NEED HELP. I DON'T WANT SOMEONE TO FIX ME. I'm perfectly fine. Thank you. 
  This blog is how I help myself, it's my release. If I start NOT posting my thoughts and shit, that's when you have to worry.
  So, if you're going to read my blog, don't run off telling people how fucked off I am. Don't try to help me, or fix me, or find me help. Don't worry about it. 

  I'M FINE. Thank you, and have a good day.

A Motherly Love

 Sometimes, all they need is some motherly love. Someone, to show that they care about them and their health.
  I can do that. i can show you how much I love you, I can take care of you. If you're sick, I don't have to be there to take care of you, I'd rather be there for you. But, I can't. You're always working, or with her. But, I'm always just a text or phone call away.
  If you're feeling sick, just text me. I know how to help.
   If you have a fever, you're stomach hurts, anything. I know how to help.
  I can give you he love you're looking for. Plus, I can give you my love, the kind of love that will never end. 

  Ughh... Why, do you complicate my life so? 

:DDDDD

  So, I had a freaking amazing night tonight! Popped a couple tops with some of the best people I know(:

I love them! They gave me the night I've been asking for, country music a few beers and just all around amazing people!

  Got HIM off my mind for a while anyway, I've been needing that(:

  Anyways, I'm drunk drunk blogging for now, until I get upset haha. 

  Later Homies!!! :D Love y'all!

Who am I?

  Who am I?
  Am I just the girl who cries herself to sleep at night? Who doesn't even know if she's alive anymore? 
   I walk, I talk, I smile and laugh. But, what does any of that mean if you can't even remember any of it?

 What am I?
  Am I just the girl who lays her burdens on everyone else, because she's taken everyone else's for so long? The one who's finally broken?
  I breathe, I listen, I advise and help. But, what does any of it matter when you're barely standing anymore?

 Why am I?
  The one who cares the most about everyone else? Who everyone could rely on everything for?
   I help, I would kill, I would die, I carry and hold burdens that don't even belong to me, on top of my own. But, what does any of this mean to someone else when they could care less if you're six feet under?

  What have I done?
   To deserve everything I have gone through. The loss of the people that mean the most to me. That I would do literally anything for. What did I do?! 

 I listen, I keep secrets, they stay locked deep inside me, eating their way out of my heart. They tear through every little piece of self I have left. But, I fight them, I force them back down into my ever so constantly crumbling heart. 

  I'm so tired.
   Physically, mentally, emotionally.

 I'm making myself sick. I just want to vomit all the pain and secrets I have up. I want to drink them down. To be forever forgotten.

  I just want to be forgotten. Hidden away like that box of pictures from high school, of all your old boyfriends that broke your heart. Of all the faces that pain you. 

 I don't want to exist anymore. If I even still do. I just want out. Why did I get chosen to be the broken one? When did I volunteer for all of this pain?

  I've learned how to build a mask. It's held together by pieces of my heart, by the blood from my arms, and the tears from my eyes. It's built on the happiest moments I could ever recall. But, it's taken forever to make, to perfect. Now, it's cracking. I'm losing everything I've ever built.

   He took my wall, she took part of my heart, so did he, and him, oh he took a piece too, and a few pieces got lost through it all. I have given pieces of my heart to build others back up, but now I have nothing left to give, nothing left to take, Nothing left to be, nothing left to me. I've given every bit of me away. Been broken, lost a few pieces, and more pieces of me have been taken than I can count.

 But really, am I even alive anymore? I feel dead. I have one emotion anymore. I don't talk to anyone, I barely breathe on my own, I almost pass out every time I try to walk, I look in the mirror and see nothing but a corpse. The shell of a person who gave everything away, so now she's left with absolutely nothing. 

  I have a killer migraine, it's making it hard to see. I have crusty eyes from crying all day. I've almost thrown up about 32985749857 times today, and I can't hardly sit or stand up without feeling dizzy and lightheaded. 

  If I'm dying I wish it would just happen already. I want it over with. I don't want to hurt anymore, or feel anymore. I don't want to cry, to breathe. I don't want to hide who I am behind a mask anymore. 

 Who am I?
  I am a broken girl, who tries to be more than she can. I try to take on the world because I don't want people to hurt like I do. I don't want people to feel how I do. How I have always felt. I'm the girl who doesn't sleep because she's too busy crying her heart out. I'm the girl with scars on her arm, because cutting is the only pain she can control. I'm the girl who gave everything to a boy who played her for over a year and ripped her to shreds, but I would still do everything all over again, because just having him in my life means more than anyone could ever understand. I'm the girl who pretends to be someone she;s not just so she can finally feel accepted. I'm the girl who used to pop pills like candy just so she couldn't feel anything anymore. I'm the girl who tries to drink away her pain, to bury it in alcohol. To hide the tears, disguise them as drunken idiocy. I'm the girl who is easily hurt, because she is so self conscious that she's starved herself just to feel better. The girl who sings at the top of her lungs to an empty room praying that one day someone will hear her silent cries and rescue her. I'm the girl who writes her feelings out because she has no other way to express them. I'm the girl who has asthma/panic attacks because she doesn't get enough oxygen to her brain. I'm the girl who cries to her keyboard because it's the only person who understands her. I'm the girl who denies help from people because she doesn't want them to carry her burdens. I'm the girl who is pouring herself out to the whole world, because she just stopped giving a fuck. I'm the girl who just wants to be done.
 So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be done.

   I'm done.

Stress On Top Of Stress X 7,000,000

  FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK...
  All I feel lately is stress!
   School
   Bullshit
   Friends
   School Bullshit
   Bullshit Friends
   School Friends
   School Friend Bullshit
   
  I've been so upset lately. Everything is just horrid. My head hurts so bad I can hardly see. My stomach churns at the thought of ANYTHING. If I stand up I feel like I'm going to pass out.

 I feel hurt. I feel sick. I feel like absolute SHIT. 
  
  I just need some sort of release. Like alcohol, or something along those lines...
  

  Just remember one thing? Don't let someone fight for you to be happy if they're just going to get hurt in the end.

 -Night.

Romeo and Juliet ("'Viol'ate")

  Not a perfect love, but a beautiful one.
  Where love may end, but it still lasts forever.
   More beautiful than Romeo and Juliet.
    Tate and Violet.

 Dead. 
  But, so much alive.

 Their love may have ended, but they have forever.
  To fix their beautiful "dead" love.


 I wish I could explain what I mean, but I can't. It's just something about love has been brought to my eyes. Not the Beauty of it, nor the pain of it.
  But, the intensity of love.
 It's never ending.

 You can't fall out of true love.

 Tate, the most dead person you could ever meet.
  But he is so alive.
   His heart still belongs to one, and he would do ANYTHING for her.
 He would kill. Literally kill, so she could be happy.
 And that's all he wants.
 He doesn't care if he's dead and has to live forever watching the love of his life love someone else. Because he loves her more than he could ever love his murderous self.


 It's just horrid love is. The way it makes you feel inside. I can't explain it, but it's sickening.

 Love is like falling down a cliff head first into rocks, hoping that the one you love will catch you before you hit the bottom.
  Sometimes they do and you live in a cave of love, living off of each other because that's all you have is one anothers' love. But if they don't catch you, well you never really reach the bottom you just kinda fall on a ledge and then it breaks underneath you and you're left to fall forever. 

 I think of love more as a human though. 
  Tate, Tate is the epitome of what love is. He is perfection on it's purest form, but he is also the definition of flaw.

  It's the perfect love.

 Tate and Violet are the love I want to be. Forever, deadly, dead, yet so very alive.

"'Viol'ate." 

Demented Sadism

 But, to die in your arms would be the most beautiful death.

  And, to live without you would be the most deadliest life.

   A life without the one you love is not something to be lived.
   
    I'd rather die a thousand deaths and see you until I live again.

     Than to live a thousand lives and every one you not be in.


 A dead love never ends.
  It just goes on, as long as you're dead, you will be loved.
   By everyone.

 But being loved while you're alive, it's just pain.
  A pain that will never end until you're gone.


 So explain to me, please.
  What's the point in living with a painful life of love, when you can die, and be loved without the hurt.

American Horror Story

  I finally found a way to get my mind off everything.
 American Horror Story. The most insane, screwed up, horrid, terrifying show I've ever watched. It's spectacular.

 I fell in love with Tate. He's dead, yet he's still living. He's trapped in the house with many other ghosts. He's psychotic, a murderer, who's in love with girl named Violet.

 Violet wasn't dead when she met Tate. But, she overdosed on pills, Tate tried to save her. But, she still died.

  The first season is the only one on Netflix, I watched the entire season in 2 days... I'm so connected to the characters  I'm literally in love with Tate, there's just something about him that I find so enticing!

  Alright, well I'm done ranting and crying.

Rising K Photography

    So, I am a photographer. These are a few of my photographs that I've edited. You may use any picture just PLEASE don't crop out my name! (: 

Untitled Poem

    youve torn me down, piece by piece
 simply stood back and watched me bleed

  youve saved my life, counting countlessly
 held me tight, breathed me to sleep

  hold my hand, once more, please
 kiss my lips, i want the memory

  fresh in my mind, youll always stay
 the blackest piece of my heart, the biggest piece of me

  no time for love
 no time for trust
 only time to hurt
 only time to lust

  you hurt many
 and been hurt by more
 but ive always been
 youre dirty fucking whore

  you have me where you want me
 i have a broken heart
 you have a lover
 i have luster

  youve saved me
  youve breaked me
  youve held me
  youve lied
  youve tried
  youve gave
  youve caved
  youve cried
  youve died
  youve loved
  youve shoved
  youve won
  youve lost
   yet im the one whos hurting

  ive loved
  ive shoved
  ive tried
  ive cried
  ive died
  ive held you
  ive saved you
  ive gave
  ive caved
  ive lost
   but you still dont care

  weve tried
  weve cried
  weve died
  weve shoved
  weve held
  weve saved
  weve caved
  weve lost
  weve gave
   but still were nothing

  youve taken all i can give you
   but in the end i can still always say

  ive never lied
  ive never won
  ive never broken you
   and i never will.


-ALright so there's some poetry for the night. theres like 6 poems or something there but in my mind they were all together so i worte them as i saw them.
  

I Miss It...

  I miss life when it was so simple. When you didn't have to worry about who you were in love with being with your bestfriend. When you didn't have to fret over if you have a pillow to cuddle with at night because you got so used to sleeping next to him.
 I miss being able to look back at pictures and knowing the happy feeling. Now when I look back all I do is ry. So much has changed. It's impeccable. 
  I just want everything to be perfect again.

  I want those lunch dates we had, when we would go out to Heritage and you would just hold me and we would talk.
  Or those nights when you would hold me and we would just laugh and drink, and talk, as the sun set behind the mesquite bushes.

  Even if we went back just to where he would kiss me goodnight and I didn't have to worry about being scared when I went to sleep because I knew that I was safe when I slept next to you. I want to be able to sit there, being naked, not physically, but emotionally. You made me feel so beautiful. You would just tell me how beautiful I was. You showed me how a girl was supposed to feel around a guy. You and I were perfect. Why did she have to come back? and even if we didn't go back THAT far, it still comes down to the question, why did she come back?

  You and I were growing so close, you told me you loved me. We fought and I FINALLY made you realize how much you meant to me. We were at the point were I thought that after 2 years I'd finally be able to call you mine. 7-19-11... Worst day of my life. The day I met you, I knew I would fall in love with you, I could see who you were, not who you made yourself out to be. I still see you. I still hold you in the highest of places.

  I love you. I always have, I always will. Both of you. Y'all have both always been there for me, saved my life, made me feel; flawless, beautiful, worth something in life. But, I'll never ave either of you... I just want one of you to realize just how much you absolutely mean to me. Just sitting here, typing about you, I haven't stopped crying. You've been on my mind all night.

  Falling in love sucks, especially when you can't fall out of love. I let myself fall, and now I regret it. I regret everything. I wish I would have never met you. I wouldn't be here now. Wishing you were here with me, drinking a cold Bud Light, waiting for work in the morning.

  I just want to relive that night, over and over and over again. You saved my life that night with those words. "I love you, Kayla, I always have." I just wish you'd meant it. I really do. You told me, "Thank you," and for what I'll never know, but I know I at least made some sort of impact on you. I know we fight, and argue, and we piss each other the fuck off, but I will NEVER leave. I can't. I've tried. I would give up everything for you. I would give up my friends, because they hate you anyway, I would give up everything. You're the only one I would do that for. I guess I'll call you Roy. The other guy, that used to hold me while we slept, his name is Lee.

  But Roy, yeah, he's the only guy I would give everything up for. I'm so vulnerable when he's around. I would kill for him, I would die for him, I would live for him, I would lie for him, I would try, I would do anything in the world for him. The saddest part is, he wouldn't do any of that for me. He's my only exception. He can break my heart ten thousand times, and I will always come back. Endless chances. I will love you until the day I just can't love anymore, and even then I'll find a way...

  I'm sorry I love you. I really am, because I know it kills you to see a girl who actually loves every bit of you. I would never try to change you. The drinking, the working, the Redneck, that's why I love you. You're so much YOU when it's just us together. I live for those moments. But I fear that they're nearing an end, because the girl you fell in love with 2 years ago is the girl you want again, but she's just going to FUCK YOU over like "every other girl has," well sweetie maybe if you would just look in front of your face and see who's been there all along you would finally have someone who would rather hurt themselves than to ever hurt you. But no, of course not!

  Whatever, I'm done. I pissed myself off. The tears haven't stopped, they've just grown into puddles on my legs. Just know I'll always love you, you're flaws to me are just a bead in the beautiful weld of your character. I'll always love you.

  I love you.
  I love you.
  I love you.
  I love you.
  I hate you.
  I love you.
  I love you.
  I love you.
  I love you.



  -Sorry, this post turned into something completely different than it was supposed to be, but these words just kind of flew off of my fingertips.

Attack of Myself

  I got attacked recently. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.
It's someone I've tried to put on the back burners of my life. Someone that doesn't belong.

  It's me. Not necessarily me as a physical being, but me as a mental being. 
  An inner me.
   An inner demon.

  She used to show up more often, about 2 years ago, I don't know who she is. But she thrives on pain, physical pain, and the emotional destruction of my happiness.
  She's deadly.

  You may not believe a bit of this but it's true, she attacked me. She left lines on my arms where there were scars already. 7 of them, bold and brash as could be. 
  There's no hiding them. I'm terrified what people might think of me. I'm scared of losing people because of someone I can't control. I don't know why she came back. I've told her many times not to. I don't want her, I'm sick of who she makes me. I'm sick of who she is. She's already scarred me countless times. I don't regret the scars, because they remind me of how far I've come and how much I've grown from who I used to be. I know I am stronger than she is, but she seems to be fighting her way through. I just wish I knew how.

  Am I really that broken? That she can push her way through m damaged interior and fight her way through my cracked self, back to my exterior?
   Am I really that susceptible to who I used to be?
  It pains me just to think I am.

  I can't even comprehend why she's back. I just want her to leave. I don't even want her hiding inside me anymore. I just want her to GO!

  If this were to have been written on paper I doubt anyone could even read it. Tear soaked paper is hard to perceive, when most things are digital now days.

  But really, I am so pained. I just wish these scabs would fall off already.
  I wish it was winter, so I could put my hoodie back on and just hide my scars, and hide myself away from the world.

  I hate the world, I hate myself. I hate everything. I don't even understand anything anymore. The devil has a tight grip on my mind and I don't know how he got a hold of it. I've fought him, he's taken an arm, and tried his hardest to get my life. But I won't let him have it! I won't! I just can't get her to leave me alone!

  Right now she's telling me that I'm stupid! I'm worthless! That all I need to feel better is to watch the blood flow down my arm. More scars, more cuts, more blood, more pain... I crave it, but I know I don't need her.

  She keeps breaking me down...

   I'm losing control.
    I'm always losing control...

  Tonight's going to be sleepless I can already tell...

   Well I'm tired of typing, I'll tell y'all how everything is going in a little while...

   Sweetdreams,
                          Kayybaby. 

Tuesday, July 19, 2011. 11:42

  More from my journal,

  "The bird that flies, matches the night.
  The blackbirds cry, makes you shudder in fright.
  You've no one to hold you tight.
  You wish not to be the only one alone.
  They all will come, but few will go.
  Listen to the blackbirds cry, and you will know."

June 16, 2011

  I found a journal of my poetry last night, there are a few pieces that I wrote, that I wanna share.

  Here's the first;

  "Sitting there slowly carving the words, "Knives & Pens," into your arm to prove a permanent point.
  No more scarred than your heart, the pain hidden by anger. No tears found.
  You've lost your mind to prove yourself.
  Not wanting them to see, you hide the scar, a reminder to yourself you haven't changed.
  Wanting to look good and innocent, and keeping your wrong to yourself.
   
  As the pain shoots through your body, you feel a sense of accomplishment. Proving that you were strong and nothing could stop you...

  You know you have found insanity, and that pain is your guilty pleasure.
  You're a masochist.
  You've thought of death.

   But that would end the pain too quickly."

  And now the second piece;

  "Play with the dark.
    Scare yourself to feel the thrill.

  Look for death.
   With no hopes of finding any.

  Scream for truth.
   When your life's a lie.

  Silently wishing, you would never die.

  Crying at night, to hide your feeling.
   You seem invincible.
    But you're innocent, and weak.

  No escape from the hell you have intentionally made for yourself.

  Claiming something you're not.
   So you don't have to claim what's forced on you.

  Wishing for the love.
   Everyone else has."


  I was a pretty intense 14 year old... These brought me to tears. I'll post a few more from the journal, but remember, this is all my personal feelings and thought, you don't know what was going on in my life at that time, so please, don't judge me.

Poetry

  So, I found a journal.
   Of my poems.
    
    It's strange how I was.
     Different.

      But exactly the same.
       As I am now.

  Just far less mature.
   And insightful.

    But just as broken.
     Depressed.
      Pained.
       
       Hurting.
        -Myself.

  My mind hasn't changed.
   Much.

  It's pain has just.
   Developed.
    Grown.
     Weakened.
      -Me.

  Heartbreak.
   True love.
    Depression.
  
  That's what I wrote about.

  "I don't bleed blood,
    thick and red.
   I bleed words,
    of ink and lead." -Just a little something I wrote.

Why?...

  All I ever try to do is love you and take care of you, and care for you. I don't know why you do this to me... You're my whole world. You know I'd do anything for you but all I ever do is get hurt. After a year of being treated this way you'd think I would have learned not to mess with you anymore, but my heart won't let me give you up no matter how hard I try. I'll always be here for you, rain or shine.
  I love you. I don't just love you, I'm in love with you. I would take the whole world on for you. You mean the world and more to me.
  
  I try to be nice to you for one night, to treat you to something nice, ribs and cold beer, something you couldn't pass up. But, you did...
 And now here I am blogging about how much you hurt me. When you're the one hurting in the end... 

 Why am I so stupid? Because I love you....

  Why do I love you? Because you've always been there for me when I needed you... You've saved my life... Countless times...

   But, fuck me right?
Because I just wanna be there for you and talk to you, I know how much you're hurting...

  Anyways, that's my rant for today, well technically it's not a rant, but, anyways...


 -Thanks for reading if you have... I'll post more later.

Good Morning

   Good morning people, I had a terrifying dream last night.

  I dreamed that I woke up with a sharp pain in my side, being a woman I figured it was just my period. I went to the bathroom to handle the situation when I collapsed into the floor and began bleeding profusely and uncontrollably.
  I called a close friend of mine to come pick me up and take me to the Emergency Room. When they got to my house her boyfriend ran in and carried me out to the car. They took me to the ER, and told the doctor everything that was going on.
  The doctor told me that I was having a miscarriage. That I had been 4 months along in my pregnancy.

  Quite a surprising dream to have. I would wake up from the dream, try to shake it and go back to sleep, but it would just continue from when I woke up. Not something I was looking forward to.
  I just wish I knew why I had that dream. Not something anyone looks forward to having, it wasn't a nightmare per say  but it wasn't what I would consider a happy dream.

  Anyways, I hope you have a great day.

Here We Go...

  Well, before you even continue reading I want to wish you good luck. This is going to be a personal view inside my mind. I feel it may be scary sometimes.
  I have a very wild imagination, every now and then it tends to overcome my sense of reality and I feel as if I'm going to go crazy.
  I don't plan on holding anything back in these posts, I want to be able to just let everything out. I don't care who sees.

  Anyways, here's a little bit about me, I'm a poet, I'm insane, I tend to rant about nonsensical stuff, and I have a volatile mind that encases a large array of thoughts that are just dying to make themselves known to the world.

  Today is that day.

  I will no longer hold any thoughts in, to be left and processed as possible ideas of torture and world domination. I hope you enjoy my thoughts as much as I will enjoy taking minutes out of my day to publish them to you.

  I also plan to post my poetry, which happens to contain a few of the most quizzical things you could ever possibly imagine.


  Okay, well I guess this is it,
                                 Here we go...