A Deadly Welcoming

All I want is someone to love me for me and not judge me for having loved you and I hate when the past comes back to haunt you. I hate when the past compliments you and implies that they love you. The past is a beautiful thing but it's not for me. I don't like the past and yes I loved you but I don't need you anymore so just stay away from me. The only person I want to keep from my past is the first man I ever loved and I doubt he'll ever want me again. I'm trying so hard to change and become someone better but I can't. I'm moving on to something better but in no way is it actually better. I just want to take my pills and go to my happy place. Where I feel warm and welcome and I can't feel pain. I just want the past to fuck off and let me loose of it's ever so tightening hold. I'm moving on. I'm getting away from it all. I've been clean from pills for almost 2 months now and I'm trying so hard to keep it that way but if this shit keeps popping up it's going to drive me to pop them in my system. I miss the way they held me at night. Slowly spinning downward into my dreams. Waking up and feeling more refreshed than ever. The warm fuzzy feeling when they would finally kick in. The smile they would put on my face. And when no one else was there for me. The pills were. They always were. I gave them up to better myself. To find what reality was once more, but they keep calling me back to them. And I've been refusing and refusing but the bitter taste on my tongue, chased by a cool drink of water. It just sounds so welcoming and wonderful.