HOLY SHIEEEET!

  I just realized the craziest thing in the world!
   YOU!

   Oh my freakin' gosh. You're smarter than I thought. Haha, wow! I wonder why I never realized this before!


  You sir, are very intelligent, those times we meet up and all either of us want is that one thing... But instead you lay there and hold me for a minute, my head resting on your chest, your arm wrapped around me; and you just talk, only for about five minutes, but you just talk. Now I know why; yes, you just want that one thing from me but you also know that no matter what either of us want from each other that I'm going to listen to your incessant rambling, for as long as you want to ramble, because I care. But you don't want me to know that you need me to care, so that's why when ever you come over for that one thing you talk first, act, then just leave. But now it all makes sense, you need me to care for you. You need me, but you can't let me know you need me, because then I might think you wanted me, and I know you don't want me, well I don't think you want me, wait, you want me just not in the way I want you. I know now you need me though because I just had a mother fucking EPIPHANY!!!

    Okay, thank you for reading about my epiphany. I'm off to my incessant drinking, and watching of hospital like television shows.

   Hehehehe, this is why I love him. <3

The Pont Des Arts

  There is a bridge in Paris, that matches the wall on my heart, covered in locks, that never come apart.
   A wall of love, you write your name and the name of your beloved on the lock and attach it to the wall, then throw the key into the river.
   And just like in my heart the lock can never be removed. It's always going to be there as a symbol of once was meant to be forever. 
    
    But what is forever? Is it until the other person dies, or you? Or does it mean that even after you have both died that everyone who knew of this love keeps it remembered in their hearts and it is never forgotten?
     Forever; without ever ending; eternally. That is the dictionary definition of forever. Eternally; forever; infinite; the one thing that memories are, the one thing that feelings are, and the only thing that doesn't truly exist.

     Best friends; forever. That's what we say we are, but now I feel that all I am to you is a gap filler. When everyone else is busy, you know I never am, so who do you call when you're feeling lonely? Of course, you call me. I'm no longer the person you trust with everything, I'm no longer called your little sister, you seem to be pushing me away all because she came back. I have always been there for you and I always will be so why chose her over me. Oh, I know why, because, "She's family, you're family too, but she's blood." I don't give a fuck if she's blood or not, family is someone who knows all of your faults and still sees them as part of your beauty, who accepts you for who you are no matter what. They'll tell you your faults, and then stand strong by your side to help you fix them. They don't just agree with everything you say, they don't put other people down just to make you feel better, because family isn't separated by differences of opinion, they're separated by judgement. And lately all you've been doing is judging me, calling me a liar. I haven't lied to you once. Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean I have to not like them, yes, they may have done some fucked up things to someone you care about, but you've hurt people I care about and love too, so you can't use that as an excuse to get mad at me for trying to help them when they need someone.

     I know what it feels like to be alone in a fight of love, because for almost two years now I've fought for someone I love, and I've done it with no help from anyone, nobody stood beside me holding my hand telling me that it was going to be okay, nobody wiped my tears. I fought alone, I felt alone, unwanted, like I was a piece of shit that nobody cared about. So, when she came to me asking me to help her, and to stand by her, and hold her hand because she felt that way, I couldn't resist because I know what it feels like to be that way and have no one step up to prove to me that my thoughts are wrong. 

     You will always be locked onto my hearts own "Pont des Arts" wall. But I feel like our names are rubbing off and that no one can even tell who the lock belongs to anymore. Because, I've been pushed to the back burner. I don't know if anyone can even tell that we're friends anymore. So, when the time comes once again that you don't have anyone to fill your gap and you come running to me, I might just have to break your heart a little. I don't want to be your gap filler, I just want to be your best friend again.

I'm Not Too Sure

 I don't even know what to say, my mind is being over run with thoughts. I thought I'd try and type them out but it's bit working. I'm going fucking crazy. I have no gas, so I haven't left the house in 2 days. One of my socalled bestfriends is spreading bullshit rumors. I haven't hardly slept in 2 nights. I'm going crazy. You've been on my mind and I think it's because people always bring you up around me. Because they don't know that you just fucking up and left my life like the piece of shit you want everyone to think you are. Oh god I fucking hate you. I do f hate you I just hate that I love you. And that I can't look hardly anywhere in my bedroom without your face being there somewhere or something there that reminds me if you. I wish I'd never fallen in love with you. I wish I'd never met you, because then I wouldn't have to feel this pain. And god I wish I could talk to someone who didn't call my choices a mistake and would be happy for me and the choices I make. No matter what. And I don't mean my dad. He does that enough. I mean I need a friend that won't judge me for having loved you. Who won't judge me for still loving you even after everything you put me through and still are. Even though you left it doesn't mean that I gave up on loving you and being here for you. Because when you love someone you don't give up. No matter his bad it may kill you inside. 

I will always love you. Even if I move on. There will always be a special place in my heart made especially for you. 

Aging

 I feel when I get older, I'll be sitting on my couch. 

  A bottle of Jack on the shelf, Dr. Pepper in my hand. 

   And ice in my freezer. 

 I'll be smoking a cigarette taking shots and chasing it. 

  Enjoying my liquor, my nicotine, and life.

   I'll be sitting alone wondering why I'm not a wife. 

 I'm sorry for my brashness, my addiction, and my trashiness. 

  But I enjoy my liquor. Yes, even at my young age. 

   It's such a sweet deliverance from this craziness of life. 

 I hate that I enjoy it. I hate it. I hate me. 

  But it's all I can do. 

   To make myself feel free. 

Darkness Prevails

  I feel sweet ecstasy, this pain that consumes me.
   I was taught to look to the light.
     All it does is make the darkness bite.

  This consumption, is more than my paradise.
    It helps me see.
      Clears the air for me to breathe.

  There is no darkness.
    There is no light.
      Just the absence of peace.

  Or the lack of fight.
    I have no peace.
      I have no spite.

  It was taken from me when I tried my own sight.
    Don't try, especially at night.
      That's when the worst come alive.

  They can possess your mind.
    No matter how hard you fight.
      It doesn't matter, dark or light.

  Don't lose your control.
    They'll use your thoughts as a poll.
      Making you question your everything.

  Doubt the anger, the fear, and questioning.
   Be you, please, I'm begging.
     They already got me.

  Don't doubt this.
   The only way to stay free.
     I need help to find me.