:DDDDD

  So, I had a freaking amazing night tonight! Popped a couple tops with some of the best people I know(:

I love them! They gave me the night I've been asking for, country music a few beers and just all around amazing people!

  Got HIM off my mind for a while anyway, I've been needing that(:

  Anyways, I'm drunk drunk blogging for now, until I get upset haha. 

  Later Homies!!! :D Love y'all!

Who am I?

  Who am I?
  Am I just the girl who cries herself to sleep at night? Who doesn't even know if she's alive anymore? 
   I walk, I talk, I smile and laugh. But, what does any of that mean if you can't even remember any of it?

 What am I?
  Am I just the girl who lays her burdens on everyone else, because she's taken everyone else's for so long? The one who's finally broken?
  I breathe, I listen, I advise and help. But, what does any of it matter when you're barely standing anymore?

 Why am I?
  The one who cares the most about everyone else? Who everyone could rely on everything for?
   I help, I would kill, I would die, I carry and hold burdens that don't even belong to me, on top of my own. But, what does any of this mean to someone else when they could care less if you're six feet under?

  What have I done?
   To deserve everything I have gone through. The loss of the people that mean the most to me. That I would do literally anything for. What did I do?! 

 I listen, I keep secrets, they stay locked deep inside me, eating their way out of my heart. They tear through every little piece of self I have left. But, I fight them, I force them back down into my ever so constantly crumbling heart. 

  I'm so tired.
   Physically, mentally, emotionally.

 I'm making myself sick. I just want to vomit all the pain and secrets I have up. I want to drink them down. To be forever forgotten.

  I just want to be forgotten. Hidden away like that box of pictures from high school, of all your old boyfriends that broke your heart. Of all the faces that pain you. 

 I don't want to exist anymore. If I even still do. I just want out. Why did I get chosen to be the broken one? When did I volunteer for all of this pain?

  I've learned how to build a mask. It's held together by pieces of my heart, by the blood from my arms, and the tears from my eyes. It's built on the happiest moments I could ever recall. But, it's taken forever to make, to perfect. Now, it's cracking. I'm losing everything I've ever built.

   He took my wall, she took part of my heart, so did he, and him, oh he took a piece too, and a few pieces got lost through it all. I have given pieces of my heart to build others back up, but now I have nothing left to give, nothing left to take, Nothing left to be, nothing left to me. I've given every bit of me away. Been broken, lost a few pieces, and more pieces of me have been taken than I can count.

 But really, am I even alive anymore? I feel dead. I have one emotion anymore. I don't talk to anyone, I barely breathe on my own, I almost pass out every time I try to walk, I look in the mirror and see nothing but a corpse. The shell of a person who gave everything away, so now she's left with absolutely nothing. 

  I have a killer migraine, it's making it hard to see. I have crusty eyes from crying all day. I've almost thrown up about 32985749857 times today, and I can't hardly sit or stand up without feeling dizzy and lightheaded. 

  If I'm dying I wish it would just happen already. I want it over with. I don't want to hurt anymore, or feel anymore. I don't want to cry, to breathe. I don't want to hide who I am behind a mask anymore. 

 Who am I?
  I am a broken girl, who tries to be more than she can. I try to take on the world because I don't want people to hurt like I do. I don't want people to feel how I do. How I have always felt. I'm the girl who doesn't sleep because she's too busy crying her heart out. I'm the girl with scars on her arm, because cutting is the only pain she can control. I'm the girl who gave everything to a boy who played her for over a year and ripped her to shreds, but I would still do everything all over again, because just having him in my life means more than anyone could ever understand. I'm the girl who pretends to be someone she;s not just so she can finally feel accepted. I'm the girl who used to pop pills like candy just so she couldn't feel anything anymore. I'm the girl who tries to drink away her pain, to bury it in alcohol. To hide the tears, disguise them as drunken idiocy. I'm the girl who is easily hurt, because she is so self conscious that she's starved herself just to feel better. The girl who sings at the top of her lungs to an empty room praying that one day someone will hear her silent cries and rescue her. I'm the girl who writes her feelings out because she has no other way to express them. I'm the girl who has asthma/panic attacks because she doesn't get enough oxygen to her brain. I'm the girl who cries to her keyboard because it's the only person who understands her. I'm the girl who denies help from people because she doesn't want them to carry her burdens. I'm the girl who is pouring herself out to the whole world, because she just stopped giving a fuck. I'm the girl who just wants to be done.
 So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be done.

   I'm done.

Stress On Top Of Stress X 7,000,000

  FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK...
  All I feel lately is stress!
   School
   Bullshit
   Friends
   School Bullshit
   Bullshit Friends
   School Friends
   School Friend Bullshit
   
  I've been so upset lately. Everything is just horrid. My head hurts so bad I can hardly see. My stomach churns at the thought of ANYTHING. If I stand up I feel like I'm going to pass out.

 I feel hurt. I feel sick. I feel like absolute SHIT. 
  
  I just need some sort of release. Like alcohol, or something along those lines...
  

  Just remember one thing? Don't let someone fight for you to be happy if they're just going to get hurt in the end.

 -Night.

Romeo and Juliet ("'Viol'ate")

  Not a perfect love, but a beautiful one.
  Where love may end, but it still lasts forever.
   More beautiful than Romeo and Juliet.
    Tate and Violet.

 Dead. 
  But, so much alive.

 Their love may have ended, but they have forever.
  To fix their beautiful "dead" love.


 I wish I could explain what I mean, but I can't. It's just something about love has been brought to my eyes. Not the Beauty of it, nor the pain of it.
  But, the intensity of love.
 It's never ending.

 You can't fall out of true love.

 Tate, the most dead person you could ever meet.
  But he is so alive.
   His heart still belongs to one, and he would do ANYTHING for her.
 He would kill. Literally kill, so she could be happy.
 And that's all he wants.
 He doesn't care if he's dead and has to live forever watching the love of his life love someone else. Because he loves her more than he could ever love his murderous self.


 It's just horrid love is. The way it makes you feel inside. I can't explain it, but it's sickening.

 Love is like falling down a cliff head first into rocks, hoping that the one you love will catch you before you hit the bottom.
  Sometimes they do and you live in a cave of love, living off of each other because that's all you have is one anothers' love. But if they don't catch you, well you never really reach the bottom you just kinda fall on a ledge and then it breaks underneath you and you're left to fall forever. 

 I think of love more as a human though. 
  Tate, Tate is the epitome of what love is. He is perfection on it's purest form, but he is also the definition of flaw.

  It's the perfect love.

 Tate and Violet are the love I want to be. Forever, deadly, dead, yet so very alive.

"'Viol'ate." 

Demented Sadism

 But, to die in your arms would be the most beautiful death.

  And, to live without you would be the most deadliest life.

   A life without the one you love is not something to be lived.
   
    I'd rather die a thousand deaths and see you until I live again.

     Than to live a thousand lives and every one you not be in.


 A dead love never ends.
  It just goes on, as long as you're dead, you will be loved.
   By everyone.

 But being loved while you're alive, it's just pain.
  A pain that will never end until you're gone.


 So explain to me, please.
  What's the point in living with a painful life of love, when you can die, and be loved without the hurt.

American Horror Story

  I finally found a way to get my mind off everything.
 American Horror Story. The most insane, screwed up, horrid, terrifying show I've ever watched. It's spectacular.

 I fell in love with Tate. He's dead, yet he's still living. He's trapped in the house with many other ghosts. He's psychotic, a murderer, who's in love with girl named Violet.

 Violet wasn't dead when she met Tate. But, she overdosed on pills, Tate tried to save her. But, she still died.

  The first season is the only one on Netflix, I watched the entire season in 2 days... I'm so connected to the characters  I'm literally in love with Tate, there's just something about him that I find so enticing!

  Alright, well I'm done ranting and crying.

Rising K Photography

    So, I am a photographer. These are a few of my photographs that I've edited. You may use any picture just PLEASE don't crop out my name! (: 

Untitled Poem

    youve torn me down, piece by piece
 simply stood back and watched me bleed

  youve saved my life, counting countlessly
 held me tight, breathed me to sleep

  hold my hand, once more, please
 kiss my lips, i want the memory

  fresh in my mind, youll always stay
 the blackest piece of my heart, the biggest piece of me

  no time for love
 no time for trust
 only time to hurt
 only time to lust

  you hurt many
 and been hurt by more
 but ive always been
 youre dirty fucking whore

  you have me where you want me
 i have a broken heart
 you have a lover
 i have luster

  youve saved me
  youve breaked me
  youve held me
  youve lied
  youve tried
  youve gave
  youve caved
  youve cried
  youve died
  youve loved
  youve shoved
  youve won
  youve lost
   yet im the one whos hurting

  ive loved
  ive shoved
  ive tried
  ive cried
  ive died
  ive held you
  ive saved you
  ive gave
  ive caved
  ive lost
   but you still dont care

  weve tried
  weve cried
  weve died
  weve shoved
  weve held
  weve saved
  weve caved
  weve lost
  weve gave
   but still were nothing

  youve taken all i can give you
   but in the end i can still always say

  ive never lied
  ive never won
  ive never broken you
   and i never will.


-ALright so there's some poetry for the night. theres like 6 poems or something there but in my mind they were all together so i worte them as i saw them.
  

I Miss It...

  I miss life when it was so simple. When you didn't have to worry about who you were in love with being with your bestfriend. When you didn't have to fret over if you have a pillow to cuddle with at night because you got so used to sleeping next to him.
 I miss being able to look back at pictures and knowing the happy feeling. Now when I look back all I do is ry. So much has changed. It's impeccable. 
  I just want everything to be perfect again.

  I want those lunch dates we had, when we would go out to Heritage and you would just hold me and we would talk.
  Or those nights when you would hold me and we would just laugh and drink, and talk, as the sun set behind the mesquite bushes.

  Even if we went back just to where he would kiss me goodnight and I didn't have to worry about being scared when I went to sleep because I knew that I was safe when I slept next to you. I want to be able to sit there, being naked, not physically, but emotionally. You made me feel so beautiful. You would just tell me how beautiful I was. You showed me how a girl was supposed to feel around a guy. You and I were perfect. Why did she have to come back? and even if we didn't go back THAT far, it still comes down to the question, why did she come back?

  You and I were growing so close, you told me you loved me. We fought and I FINALLY made you realize how much you meant to me. We were at the point were I thought that after 2 years I'd finally be able to call you mine. 7-19-11... Worst day of my life. The day I met you, I knew I would fall in love with you, I could see who you were, not who you made yourself out to be. I still see you. I still hold you in the highest of places.

  I love you. I always have, I always will. Both of you. Y'all have both always been there for me, saved my life, made me feel; flawless, beautiful, worth something in life. But, I'll never ave either of you... I just want one of you to realize just how much you absolutely mean to me. Just sitting here, typing about you, I haven't stopped crying. You've been on my mind all night.

  Falling in love sucks, especially when you can't fall out of love. I let myself fall, and now I regret it. I regret everything. I wish I would have never met you. I wouldn't be here now. Wishing you were here with me, drinking a cold Bud Light, waiting for work in the morning.

  I just want to relive that night, over and over and over again. You saved my life that night with those words. "I love you, Kayla, I always have." I just wish you'd meant it. I really do. You told me, "Thank you," and for what I'll never know, but I know I at least made some sort of impact on you. I know we fight, and argue, and we piss each other the fuck off, but I will NEVER leave. I can't. I've tried. I would give up everything for you. I would give up my friends, because they hate you anyway, I would give up everything. You're the only one I would do that for. I guess I'll call you Roy. The other guy, that used to hold me while we slept, his name is Lee.

  But Roy, yeah, he's the only guy I would give everything up for. I'm so vulnerable when he's around. I would kill for him, I would die for him, I would live for him, I would lie for him, I would try, I would do anything in the world for him. The saddest part is, he wouldn't do any of that for me. He's my only exception. He can break my heart ten thousand times, and I will always come back. Endless chances. I will love you until the day I just can't love anymore, and even then I'll find a way...

  I'm sorry I love you. I really am, because I know it kills you to see a girl who actually loves every bit of you. I would never try to change you. The drinking, the working, the Redneck, that's why I love you. You're so much YOU when it's just us together. I live for those moments. But I fear that they're nearing an end, because the girl you fell in love with 2 years ago is the girl you want again, but she's just going to FUCK YOU over like "every other girl has," well sweetie maybe if you would just look in front of your face and see who's been there all along you would finally have someone who would rather hurt themselves than to ever hurt you. But no, of course not!

  Whatever, I'm done. I pissed myself off. The tears haven't stopped, they've just grown into puddles on my legs. Just know I'll always love you, you're flaws to me are just a bead in the beautiful weld of your character. I'll always love you.

  I love you.
  I love you.
  I love you.
  I love you.
  I hate you.
  I love you.
  I love you.
  I love you.
  I love you.



  -Sorry, this post turned into something completely different than it was supposed to be, but these words just kind of flew off of my fingertips.

Attack of Myself

  I got attacked recently. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.
It's someone I've tried to put on the back burners of my life. Someone that doesn't belong.

  It's me. Not necessarily me as a physical being, but me as a mental being. 
  An inner me.
   An inner demon.

  She used to show up more often, about 2 years ago, I don't know who she is. But she thrives on pain, physical pain, and the emotional destruction of my happiness.
  She's deadly.

  You may not believe a bit of this but it's true, she attacked me. She left lines on my arms where there were scars already. 7 of them, bold and brash as could be. 
  There's no hiding them. I'm terrified what people might think of me. I'm scared of losing people because of someone I can't control. I don't know why she came back. I've told her many times not to. I don't want her, I'm sick of who she makes me. I'm sick of who she is. She's already scarred me countless times. I don't regret the scars, because they remind me of how far I've come and how much I've grown from who I used to be. I know I am stronger than she is, but she seems to be fighting her way through. I just wish I knew how.

  Am I really that broken? That she can push her way through m damaged interior and fight her way through my cracked self, back to my exterior?
   Am I really that susceptible to who I used to be?
  It pains me just to think I am.

  I can't even comprehend why she's back. I just want her to leave. I don't even want her hiding inside me anymore. I just want her to GO!

  If this were to have been written on paper I doubt anyone could even read it. Tear soaked paper is hard to perceive, when most things are digital now days.

  But really, I am so pained. I just wish these scabs would fall off already.
  I wish it was winter, so I could put my hoodie back on and just hide my scars, and hide myself away from the world.

  I hate the world, I hate myself. I hate everything. I don't even understand anything anymore. The devil has a tight grip on my mind and I don't know how he got a hold of it. I've fought him, he's taken an arm, and tried his hardest to get my life. But I won't let him have it! I won't! I just can't get her to leave me alone!

  Right now she's telling me that I'm stupid! I'm worthless! That all I need to feel better is to watch the blood flow down my arm. More scars, more cuts, more blood, more pain... I crave it, but I know I don't need her.

  She keeps breaking me down...

   I'm losing control.
    I'm always losing control...

  Tonight's going to be sleepless I can already tell...

   Well I'm tired of typing, I'll tell y'all how everything is going in a little while...

   Sweetdreams,
                          Kayybaby. 

Tuesday, July 19, 2011. 11:42

  More from my journal,

  "The bird that flies, matches the night.
  The blackbirds cry, makes you shudder in fright.
  You've no one to hold you tight.
  You wish not to be the only one alone.
  They all will come, but few will go.
  Listen to the blackbirds cry, and you will know."

June 16, 2011

  I found a journal of my poetry last night, there are a few pieces that I wrote, that I wanna share.

  Here's the first;

  "Sitting there slowly carving the words, "Knives & Pens," into your arm to prove a permanent point.
  No more scarred than your heart, the pain hidden by anger. No tears found.
  You've lost your mind to prove yourself.
  Not wanting them to see, you hide the scar, a reminder to yourself you haven't changed.
  Wanting to look good and innocent, and keeping your wrong to yourself.
   
  As the pain shoots through your body, you feel a sense of accomplishment. Proving that you were strong and nothing could stop you...

  You know you have found insanity, and that pain is your guilty pleasure.
  You're a masochist.
  You've thought of death.

   But that would end the pain too quickly."

  And now the second piece;

  "Play with the dark.
    Scare yourself to feel the thrill.

  Look for death.
   With no hopes of finding any.

  Scream for truth.
   When your life's a lie.

  Silently wishing, you would never die.

  Crying at night, to hide your feeling.
   You seem invincible.
    But you're innocent, and weak.

  No escape from the hell you have intentionally made for yourself.

  Claiming something you're not.
   So you don't have to claim what's forced on you.

  Wishing for the love.
   Everyone else has."


  I was a pretty intense 14 year old... These brought me to tears. I'll post a few more from the journal, but remember, this is all my personal feelings and thought, you don't know what was going on in my life at that time, so please, don't judge me.

Poetry

  So, I found a journal.
   Of my poems.
    
    It's strange how I was.
     Different.

      But exactly the same.
       As I am now.

  Just far less mature.
   And insightful.

    But just as broken.
     Depressed.
      Pained.
       
       Hurting.
        -Myself.

  My mind hasn't changed.
   Much.

  It's pain has just.
   Developed.
    Grown.
     Weakened.
      -Me.

  Heartbreak.
   True love.
    Depression.
  
  That's what I wrote about.

  "I don't bleed blood,
    thick and red.
   I bleed words,
    of ink and lead." -Just a little something I wrote.

Why?...

  All I ever try to do is love you and take care of you, and care for you. I don't know why you do this to me... You're my whole world. You know I'd do anything for you but all I ever do is get hurt. After a year of being treated this way you'd think I would have learned not to mess with you anymore, but my heart won't let me give you up no matter how hard I try. I'll always be here for you, rain or shine.
  I love you. I don't just love you, I'm in love with you. I would take the whole world on for you. You mean the world and more to me.
  
  I try to be nice to you for one night, to treat you to something nice, ribs and cold beer, something you couldn't pass up. But, you did...
 And now here I am blogging about how much you hurt me. When you're the one hurting in the end... 

 Why am I so stupid? Because I love you....

  Why do I love you? Because you've always been there for me when I needed you... You've saved my life... Countless times...

   But, fuck me right?
Because I just wanna be there for you and talk to you, I know how much you're hurting...

  Anyways, that's my rant for today, well technically it's not a rant, but, anyways...


 -Thanks for reading if you have... I'll post more later.

Good Morning

   Good morning people, I had a terrifying dream last night.

  I dreamed that I woke up with a sharp pain in my side, being a woman I figured it was just my period. I went to the bathroom to handle the situation when I collapsed into the floor and began bleeding profusely and uncontrollably.
  I called a close friend of mine to come pick me up and take me to the Emergency Room. When they got to my house her boyfriend ran in and carried me out to the car. They took me to the ER, and told the doctor everything that was going on.
  The doctor told me that I was having a miscarriage. That I had been 4 months along in my pregnancy.

  Quite a surprising dream to have. I would wake up from the dream, try to shake it and go back to sleep, but it would just continue from when I woke up. Not something I was looking forward to.
  I just wish I knew why I had that dream. Not something anyone looks forward to having, it wasn't a nightmare per say  but it wasn't what I would consider a happy dream.

  Anyways, I hope you have a great day.

Here We Go...

  Well, before you even continue reading I want to wish you good luck. This is going to be a personal view inside my mind. I feel it may be scary sometimes.
  I have a very wild imagination, every now and then it tends to overcome my sense of reality and I feel as if I'm going to go crazy.
  I don't plan on holding anything back in these posts, I want to be able to just let everything out. I don't care who sees.

  Anyways, here's a little bit about me, I'm a poet, I'm insane, I tend to rant about nonsensical stuff, and I have a volatile mind that encases a large array of thoughts that are just dying to make themselves known to the world.

  Today is that day.

  I will no longer hold any thoughts in, to be left and processed as possible ideas of torture and world domination. I hope you enjoy my thoughts as much as I will enjoy taking minutes out of my day to publish them to you.

  I also plan to post my poetry, which happens to contain a few of the most quizzical things you could ever possibly imagine.


  Okay, well I guess this is it,
                                 Here we go...