I Miss It...

  I miss life when it was so simple. When you didn't have to worry about who you were in love with being with your bestfriend. When you didn't have to fret over if you have a pillow to cuddle with at night because you got so used to sleeping next to him.
 I miss being able to look back at pictures and knowing the happy feeling. Now when I look back all I do is ry. So much has changed. It's impeccable. 
  I just want everything to be perfect again.

  I want those lunch dates we had, when we would go out to Heritage and you would just hold me and we would talk.
  Or those nights when you would hold me and we would just laugh and drink, and talk, as the sun set behind the mesquite bushes.

  Even if we went back just to where he would kiss me goodnight and I didn't have to worry about being scared when I went to sleep because I knew that I was safe when I slept next to you. I want to be able to sit there, being naked, not physically, but emotionally. You made me feel so beautiful. You would just tell me how beautiful I was. You showed me how a girl was supposed to feel around a guy. You and I were perfect. Why did she have to come back? and even if we didn't go back THAT far, it still comes down to the question, why did she come back?

  You and I were growing so close, you told me you loved me. We fought and I FINALLY made you realize how much you meant to me. We were at the point were I thought that after 2 years I'd finally be able to call you mine. 7-19-11... Worst day of my life. The day I met you, I knew I would fall in love with you, I could see who you were, not who you made yourself out to be. I still see you. I still hold you in the highest of places.

  I love you. I always have, I always will. Both of you. Y'all have both always been there for me, saved my life, made me feel; flawless, beautiful, worth something in life. But, I'll never ave either of you... I just want one of you to realize just how much you absolutely mean to me. Just sitting here, typing about you, I haven't stopped crying. You've been on my mind all night.

  Falling in love sucks, especially when you can't fall out of love. I let myself fall, and now I regret it. I regret everything. I wish I would have never met you. I wouldn't be here now. Wishing you were here with me, drinking a cold Bud Light, waiting for work in the morning.

  I just want to relive that night, over and over and over again. You saved my life that night with those words. "I love you, Kayla, I always have." I just wish you'd meant it. I really do. You told me, "Thank you," and for what I'll never know, but I know I at least made some sort of impact on you. I know we fight, and argue, and we piss each other the fuck off, but I will NEVER leave. I can't. I've tried. I would give up everything for you. I would give up my friends, because they hate you anyway, I would give up everything. You're the only one I would do that for. I guess I'll call you Roy. The other guy, that used to hold me while we slept, his name is Lee.

  But Roy, yeah, he's the only guy I would give everything up for. I'm so vulnerable when he's around. I would kill for him, I would die for him, I would live for him, I would lie for him, I would try, I would do anything in the world for him. The saddest part is, he wouldn't do any of that for me. He's my only exception. He can break my heart ten thousand times, and I will always come back. Endless chances. I will love you until the day I just can't love anymore, and even then I'll find a way...

  I'm sorry I love you. I really am, because I know it kills you to see a girl who actually loves every bit of you. I would never try to change you. The drinking, the working, the Redneck, that's why I love you. You're so much YOU when it's just us together. I live for those moments. But I fear that they're nearing an end, because the girl you fell in love with 2 years ago is the girl you want again, but she's just going to FUCK YOU over like "every other girl has," well sweetie maybe if you would just look in front of your face and see who's been there all along you would finally have someone who would rather hurt themselves than to ever hurt you. But no, of course not!

  Whatever, I'm done. I pissed myself off. The tears haven't stopped, they've just grown into puddles on my legs. Just know I'll always love you, you're flaws to me are just a bead in the beautiful weld of your character. I'll always love you.

  I love you.
  I love you.
  I love you.
  I love you.
  I hate you.
  I love you.
  I love you.
  I love you.
  I love you.



  -Sorry, this post turned into something completely different than it was supposed to be, but these words just kind of flew off of my fingertips.