Asphyxiation

  I am fixed on asphyxiation.
   Smothering.
  Me.

 I am smothered by my loss and by what I have yet to gain, and accomplish.
  I am smothered by my entrapment.
   I am asphyxiated by my life.
Or at least what my life used to be.


 Happiness, smiling, laughter, sunshine.
  And what is left of all of that?
   Me.
I am the only thing left.
  
 Trapped in a house with just myself I have learned to make friends with the demons inside of me.
  The hunger, the aching, the lack of what I used to thrive on.

 I can't even write anymore. Nothing comes to me. No words are found to be flying off of my fingertips unless they are words of denial or forced words of happiness.
  
 Am I okay? How am I?
  Questions I don't even know how to answer anymore.

But if you were to ask me I'd say that I was fine. That I'm great. Life is just absolutely wonderful.


   But it's not. I am being asphyxiated by myself. 

      When will it end? 

Fairytale Gone Wrong

  Happily ever after. Isn't that how fairy tales are supposed to end? Not, with the woman crying because her, "Prince Charming," is dying inside because his ex broke his heart, again. Right?

  I don't understand how anyone could hurt him, how anyone wouldn't want to fight for him. He gives more love than he has and his heart is made of gold. He's amazing, sweet, funny, handsome, strong, and caring. He is every girls dream. So, why in the world would you decide not to fight for him, after all he loves you with all of his heart, and that guy is not someone who would lie about something like that. He's a true guy. he never wants to hurt anyone and if he could he would heal the whole world of it's problems. 
  So why?! Are you really that stupid that you would give up someone so wonderful? Because, if you are, then you definitely don't deserve him. He deserves someone who will cook, and clean, and love him, and not whine and cry about how tired you are from cleaning all day but instead will have the house looking spotless and will have a hot homemade dinner on the table for him. He deserves a woman who will give him every piece of her heart and soul. He deserves something no woman in this world could possibly give him, but if he is willing to fight for you, then be smart enough to fight back, because obviously you have something he adores.

  It just breaks my heart to see someone I care about so dearly, in so much pain. I really just want to find you and slap some sense into you.


   Not only did you break his heart but you broke mine too. because anyone who hurts one of the people I care about, hurts me. Because I give a part of myself to everyone of my friends, and I finally gave someone my heart who would deserve it, and you fucked him over.
 It's bullshit, it really is. You're stupid.

    I just want to find a way to put his heart back together and heal all of his pain. I can't take seeing someone so hurt. It kills me.

Such Hatred, Such Trust, Such An Unwavering Love

  Why do you hate me so much?
You torture me with unwavering trust.
Then revive me with a meaningful touch.

Why do you care for me so dearly?
Open my eyes to see the world more clearly.
Then shut me out as if you fear me.

You're my best strength, and my worst weakness.
My hearts best friend, and worst enemy.
You pulled my pieces together, then tore them apart.

But out of all the things that have happened in my life, you are my favorite part.

Well... Life is looking up for... Once Upon A Time

  Roman Chavez, the one guy in this world I know I could trust with anything and that he would keep it to himself.
  Why? Because he trusts me with everything, his life secrets, his family secrets. 
  He's spectacular. He's; kind, and very handsome, trustworthy and smart.
  I don't know how to explain him, but, I think I could say he's my best friend. I care about this guy so much it's crazy.


 There's only one thing about him that absolutely terrifies me, and that is his charm. I don't know if he means to or not, but when we hang out it's like he turns on his charm and I'm just drawn in. He's not going to hurt me, I know that much. But, I'm just worried I might end up hurting myself like I have before. 
  He is the first guy that has gotten my mind off of everything, off of Troy, and Dillon, and anyone else that has hurt me. He is the first guy that when I'm with him, nothing else matters. It's like the whole world has just disappeared and it's just us. I know he would never let me get hurt, and I know that he wouldn't play me if something more did happen between us.
  But, to be honest with myself, I doubt it will go any further than just being amazing friends.. We've grown really close, we haven't even been friends for that long, maybe a week. If that? But, it's like God brought us together, and I don't mean that as in "oooh fate brought us together now lets run off and get married." I mean it as in God brought us together as people whom we knew we could trust with anything and know that they wouldn't judge us for who we were. Or what we had. Someone who would have each others back no matter what and take care of each other no matter how much or how little money we had.
  I think God knew that we both needed a friend like that. One that wasn't judgmental like all of the other people. Someone, better, someone different, yet, someone exactly the same as we are.

  Life is complicated and I can honestly say that I am SO glad I found this amazing guy, and accepted him into my life.

HOLY SHIEEEET!

  I just realized the craziest thing in the world!
   YOU!

   Oh my freakin' gosh. You're smarter than I thought. Haha, wow! I wonder why I never realized this before!


  You sir, are very intelligent, those times we meet up and all either of us want is that one thing... But instead you lay there and hold me for a minute, my head resting on your chest, your arm wrapped around me; and you just talk, only for about five minutes, but you just talk. Now I know why; yes, you just want that one thing from me but you also know that no matter what either of us want from each other that I'm going to listen to your incessant rambling, for as long as you want to ramble, because I care. But you don't want me to know that you need me to care, so that's why when ever you come over for that one thing you talk first, act, then just leave. But now it all makes sense, you need me to care for you. You need me, but you can't let me know you need me, because then I might think you wanted me, and I know you don't want me, well I don't think you want me, wait, you want me just not in the way I want you. I know now you need me though because I just had a mother fucking EPIPHANY!!!

    Okay, thank you for reading about my epiphany. I'm off to my incessant drinking, and watching of hospital like television shows.

   Hehehehe, this is why I love him. <3

The Pont Des Arts

  There is a bridge in Paris, that matches the wall on my heart, covered in locks, that never come apart.
   A wall of love, you write your name and the name of your beloved on the lock and attach it to the wall, then throw the key into the river.
   And just like in my heart the lock can never be removed. It's always going to be there as a symbol of once was meant to be forever. 
    
    But what is forever? Is it until the other person dies, or you? Or does it mean that even after you have both died that everyone who knew of this love keeps it remembered in their hearts and it is never forgotten?
     Forever; without ever ending; eternally. That is the dictionary definition of forever. Eternally; forever; infinite; the one thing that memories are, the one thing that feelings are, and the only thing that doesn't truly exist.

     Best friends; forever. That's what we say we are, but now I feel that all I am to you is a gap filler. When everyone else is busy, you know I never am, so who do you call when you're feeling lonely? Of course, you call me. I'm no longer the person you trust with everything, I'm no longer called your little sister, you seem to be pushing me away all because she came back. I have always been there for you and I always will be so why chose her over me. Oh, I know why, because, "She's family, you're family too, but she's blood." I don't give a fuck if she's blood or not, family is someone who knows all of your faults and still sees them as part of your beauty, who accepts you for who you are no matter what. They'll tell you your faults, and then stand strong by your side to help you fix them. They don't just agree with everything you say, they don't put other people down just to make you feel better, because family isn't separated by differences of opinion, they're separated by judgement. And lately all you've been doing is judging me, calling me a liar. I haven't lied to you once. Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean I have to not like them, yes, they may have done some fucked up things to someone you care about, but you've hurt people I care about and love too, so you can't use that as an excuse to get mad at me for trying to help them when they need someone.

     I know what it feels like to be alone in a fight of love, because for almost two years now I've fought for someone I love, and I've done it with no help from anyone, nobody stood beside me holding my hand telling me that it was going to be okay, nobody wiped my tears. I fought alone, I felt alone, unwanted, like I was a piece of shit that nobody cared about. So, when she came to me asking me to help her, and to stand by her, and hold her hand because she felt that way, I couldn't resist because I know what it feels like to be that way and have no one step up to prove to me that my thoughts are wrong. 

     You will always be locked onto my hearts own "Pont des Arts" wall. But I feel like our names are rubbing off and that no one can even tell who the lock belongs to anymore. Because, I've been pushed to the back burner. I don't know if anyone can even tell that we're friends anymore. So, when the time comes once again that you don't have anyone to fill your gap and you come running to me, I might just have to break your heart a little. I don't want to be your gap filler, I just want to be your best friend again.

I'm Not Too Sure

 I don't even know what to say, my mind is being over run with thoughts. I thought I'd try and type them out but it's bit working. I'm going fucking crazy. I have no gas, so I haven't left the house in 2 days. One of my socalled bestfriends is spreading bullshit rumors. I haven't hardly slept in 2 nights. I'm going crazy. You've been on my mind and I think it's because people always bring you up around me. Because they don't know that you just fucking up and left my life like the piece of shit you want everyone to think you are. Oh god I fucking hate you. I do f hate you I just hate that I love you. And that I can't look hardly anywhere in my bedroom without your face being there somewhere or something there that reminds me if you. I wish I'd never fallen in love with you. I wish I'd never met you, because then I wouldn't have to feel this pain. And god I wish I could talk to someone who didn't call my choices a mistake and would be happy for me and the choices I make. No matter what. And I don't mean my dad. He does that enough. I mean I need a friend that won't judge me for having loved you. Who won't judge me for still loving you even after everything you put me through and still are. Even though you left it doesn't mean that I gave up on loving you and being here for you. Because when you love someone you don't give up. No matter his bad it may kill you inside. 

I will always love you. Even if I move on. There will always be a special place in my heart made especially for you.