I'm Not Too Sure

 I don't even know what to say, my mind is being over run with thoughts. I thought I'd try and type them out but it's bit working. I'm going fucking crazy. I have no gas, so I haven't left the house in 2 days. One of my socalled bestfriends is spreading bullshit rumors. I haven't hardly slept in 2 nights. I'm going crazy. You've been on my mind and I think it's because people always bring you up around me. Because they don't know that you just fucking up and left my life like the piece of shit you want everyone to think you are. Oh god I fucking hate you. I do f hate you I just hate that I love you. And that I can't look hardly anywhere in my bedroom without your face being there somewhere or something there that reminds me if you. I wish I'd never fallen in love with you. I wish I'd never met you, because then I wouldn't have to feel this pain. And god I wish I could talk to someone who didn't call my choices a mistake and would be happy for me and the choices I make. No matter what. And I don't mean my dad. He does that enough. I mean I need a friend that won't judge me for having loved you. Who won't judge me for still loving you even after everything you put me through and still are. Even though you left it doesn't mean that I gave up on loving you and being here for you. Because when you love someone you don't give up. No matter his bad it may kill you inside. 

I will always love you. Even if I move on. There will always be a special place in my heart made especially for you. 

Aging

 I feel when I get older, I'll be sitting on my couch. 

  A bottle of Jack on the shelf, Dr. Pepper in my hand. 

   And ice in my freezer. 

 I'll be smoking a cigarette taking shots and chasing it. 

  Enjoying my liquor, my nicotine, and life.

   I'll be sitting alone wondering why I'm not a wife. 

 I'm sorry for my brashness, my addiction, and my trashiness. 

  But I enjoy my liquor. Yes, even at my young age. 

   It's such a sweet deliverance from this craziness of life. 

 I hate that I enjoy it. I hate it. I hate me. 

  But it's all I can do. 

   To make myself feel free. 

Darkness Prevails

  I feel sweet ecstasy, this pain that consumes me.
   I was taught to look to the light.
     All it does is make the darkness bite.

  This consumption, is more than my paradise.
    It helps me see.
      Clears the air for me to breathe.

  There is no darkness.
    There is no light.
      Just the absence of peace.

  Or the lack of fight.
    I have no peace.
      I have no spite.

  It was taken from me when I tried my own sight.
    Don't try, especially at night.
      That's when the worst come alive.

  They can possess your mind.
    No matter how hard you fight.
      It doesn't matter, dark or light.

  Don't lose your control.
    They'll use your thoughts as a poll.
      Making you question your everything.

  Doubt the anger, the fear, and questioning.
   Be you, please, I'm begging.
     They already got me.

  Don't doubt this.
   The only way to stay free.
     I need help to find me.
 
   

A Deadly Welcoming

All I want is someone to love me for me and not judge me for having loved you and I hate when the past comes back to haunt you. I hate when the past compliments you and implies that they love you. The past is a beautiful thing but it's not for me. I don't like the past and yes I loved you but I don't need you anymore so just stay away from me. The only person I want to keep from my past is the first man I ever loved and I doubt he'll ever want me again. I'm trying so hard to change and become someone better but I can't. I'm moving on to something better but in no way is it actually better. I just want to take my pills and go to my happy place. Where I feel warm and welcome and I can't feel pain. I just want the past to fuck off and let me loose of it's ever so tightening hold. I'm moving on. I'm getting away from it all. I've been clean from pills for almost 2 months now and I'm trying so hard to keep it that way but if this shit keeps popping up it's going to drive me to pop them in my system. I miss the way they held me at night. Slowly spinning downward into my dreams. Waking up and feeling more refreshed than ever. The warm fuzzy feeling when they would finally kick in. The smile they would put on my face. And when no one else was there for me. The pills were. They always were. I gave them up to better myself. To find what reality was once more, but they keep calling me back to them. And I've been refusing and refusing but the bitter taste on my tongue, chased by a cool drink of water. It just sounds so welcoming and wonderful. 

Really?

  Wow, you really believe that the one girl who would do anything in this whole entire world, and I mean ANYTHING, would really just play you like that? And then, you run off telling her best friend how much you love her, and how much you've changed, just so you could be with her.
  No, not the girl who would give everything away for just one last day with you, but for the girl who sees you as the most terrible, person on the planet. 
 I LOVE YOU. 
  Okay? Get that through your thick ass fucking head. I would rather die than hurt you. But, no. What do I even mean to you? I'm just the girl you call on a late night when you don't wanna drink alone. The girl you know would just sit there and listen to you cry about how much you love someone else, even though it kills me inside. I'm just the girl you know will always be there no matter how many times you break my heart, or leave me hanging. I've been here for you since I met you. Love at first sight. I never believed in it until I met you. The day I watched you walk over to the truck and look me square in the hi, and introduce yourself. That's when i fell for you. 
 And it just got worse as time went on, we hung out all the time. I saw you almost everyday. Then you and her got together, 7-19-11. I couldn't forget that date even if I wanted to, which I do. It killed me, watching you fall so madly in love with her, while I just sit back and watch with a hellish fire burning in my heart and soul for you. Did I try to interfere to have you as my own? God no, never, I couldn't hurt two of my greatest friends. 
  Then time went on, y'all eventually broke up. The greatest relief was lifted off my shoulders, yet, I still had to sit back and watch her cry over you, day and night. Damn, you don't know what you had. More time went on still, and we all slowly grew apart, until one day, you realized you wanted to be with my other best friend. Haha, I still had a fiery passion for you, that was getting harder and harder to resist. yet, once again I strayed away so my friends would be happy. The day y'all got engaged, wow... I can't even explain how hot the fire in my heart got. it was like I was trapped in an incinerator. Everything inside me burned, the tears of pain, my mind from working so hard to figure out what had really just happened. And then it happened again, I watched y'all slowly grow apart,and eventually she left you for another man. Yeah, I know how bad it hurt you. Trust me, I know. Watching the person you're so deeply in love with be with someone else. I know that fucked up feeling all too well. Whether they knew it or not, I still talked to you. Why? Because I loved you and I couldn't just watch you fall into the quicksand pit named depression, with no hopes of someone pulling you out. So I was there, day, night. Any time of the day, and at all times throughout the night. I barely slept, just so I could talk to you. And fuck if you don't know the hell I went through when they found out I was still talking to you. Man, I never lived that down. And still to this day I catch the phrases, "Oh you don't need dumb fuck Troy," or, "Really Kayla, you're still friends with his punk ass," and, here's my favorite, "Let me find out you're still talking to that mother fucker." 
  But you know what I did? I brushed that shit off my shoulders and moved on, I'm tired of hiding what I feel for you. I wish I could shout it from every roof top in the world. I don't care who knows anymore. You've saved my life, you've listened to me cry, and you've held me while I cried myself to sleep in your arms. 
  I can't live without you in my life, I wish I could explain exactly what it does to me. But, that's impossible.
   Without you in my life; I can't feel, literally, I could run myself head long into a brick wall goes 100 miles an hour and not feel a thing. I can't sleep, I stay up all night thinking of ways I could get you to realize, that if you were to ever be with me, you wouldn't have to worry about me leaving you for someone else, you wouldn't have to worry about, getting played, or fucked over. You would have all of me, my heart, my soul, my mind, and my body. But, I guess the day you realize that, will be the day hell freezes over. Because, the one girl who cares about you the most in this world besides your family, could never be anything more than just a friend to you. So, I'll go on with my life. Loving you, helping you, listening to you, trying everything I can to make you see how absolutely wonderful of a man you are. While you run around, letting yourself get hurt by people that could give less than two shits about you.
  Just know, when you're ready; I'll always be here. Waiting for you to realize just how much you mean to me. Waiting to show you, how you're really supposed to be treated. I'll love you until the day and I die, and even after that I swear I'll find a way to continue loving you. You're the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I will never give up on you damnit. Never.

 I fucking love you. I always have. I always will.

Listen Here

 Alright, so I gotta say one thing. The stuff I post on here, is my internal thoughts. I don't want people running off telling my dad. "Worrying" about me. I DON'T NEED HELP. I DON'T WANT SOMEONE TO FIX ME. I'm perfectly fine. Thank you. 
  This blog is how I help myself, it's my release. If I start NOT posting my thoughts and shit, that's when you have to worry.
  So, if you're going to read my blog, don't run off telling people how fucked off I am. Don't try to help me, or fix me, or find me help. Don't worry about it. 

  I'M FINE. Thank you, and have a good day.

A Motherly Love

 Sometimes, all they need is some motherly love. Someone, to show that they care about them and their health.
  I can do that. i can show you how much I love you, I can take care of you. If you're sick, I don't have to be there to take care of you, I'd rather be there for you. But, I can't. You're always working, or with her. But, I'm always just a text or phone call away.
  If you're feeling sick, just text me. I know how to help.
   If you have a fever, you're stomach hurts, anything. I know how to help.
  I can give you he love you're looking for. Plus, I can give you my love, the kind of love that will never end. 

  Ughh... Why, do you complicate my life so?