HOLY SHIEEEET!

  I just realized the craziest thing in the world!
   YOU!

   Oh my freakin' gosh. You're smarter than I thought. Haha, wow! I wonder why I never realized this before!


  You sir, are very intelligent, those times we meet up and all either of us want is that one thing... But instead you lay there and hold me for a minute, my head resting on your chest, your arm wrapped around me; and you just talk, only for about five minutes, but you just talk. Now I know why; yes, you just want that one thing from me but you also know that no matter what either of us want from each other that I'm going to listen to your incessant rambling, for as long as you want to ramble, because I care. But you don't want me to know that you need me to care, so that's why when ever you come over for that one thing you talk first, act, then just leave. But now it all makes sense, you need me to care for you. You need me, but you can't let me know you need me, because then I might think you wanted me, and I know you don't want me, well I don't think you want me, wait, you want me just not in the way I want you. I know now you need me though because I just had a mother fucking EPIPHANY!!!

    Okay, thank you for reading about my epiphany. I'm off to my incessant drinking, and watching of hospital like television shows.

   Hehehehe, this is why I love him. <3

The Pont Des Arts

  There is a bridge in Paris, that matches the wall on my heart, covered in locks, that never come apart.
   A wall of love, you write your name and the name of your beloved on the lock and attach it to the wall, then throw the key into the river.
   And just like in my heart the lock can never be removed. It's always going to be there as a symbol of once was meant to be forever. 
    
    But what is forever? Is it until the other person dies, or you? Or does it mean that even after you have both died that everyone who knew of this love keeps it remembered in their hearts and it is never forgotten?
     Forever; without ever ending; eternally. That is the dictionary definition of forever. Eternally; forever; infinite; the one thing that memories are, the one thing that feelings are, and the only thing that doesn't truly exist.

     Best friends; forever. That's what we say we are, but now I feel that all I am to you is a gap filler. When everyone else is busy, you know I never am, so who do you call when you're feeling lonely? Of course, you call me. I'm no longer the person you trust with everything, I'm no longer called your little sister, you seem to be pushing me away all because she came back. I have always been there for you and I always will be so why chose her over me. Oh, I know why, because, "She's family, you're family too, but she's blood." I don't give a fuck if she's blood or not, family is someone who knows all of your faults and still sees them as part of your beauty, who accepts you for who you are no matter what. They'll tell you your faults, and then stand strong by your side to help you fix them. They don't just agree with everything you say, they don't put other people down just to make you feel better, because family isn't separated by differences of opinion, they're separated by judgement. And lately all you've been doing is judging me, calling me a liar. I haven't lied to you once. Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean I have to not like them, yes, they may have done some fucked up things to someone you care about, but you've hurt people I care about and love too, so you can't use that as an excuse to get mad at me for trying to help them when they need someone.

     I know what it feels like to be alone in a fight of love, because for almost two years now I've fought for someone I love, and I've done it with no help from anyone, nobody stood beside me holding my hand telling me that it was going to be okay, nobody wiped my tears. I fought alone, I felt alone, unwanted, like I was a piece of shit that nobody cared about. So, when she came to me asking me to help her, and to stand by her, and hold her hand because she felt that way, I couldn't resist because I know what it feels like to be that way and have no one step up to prove to me that my thoughts are wrong. 

     You will always be locked onto my hearts own "Pont des Arts" wall. But I feel like our names are rubbing off and that no one can even tell who the lock belongs to anymore. Because, I've been pushed to the back burner. I don't know if anyone can even tell that we're friends anymore. So, when the time comes once again that you don't have anyone to fill your gap and you come running to me, I might just have to break your heart a little. I don't want to be your gap filler, I just want to be your best friend again.

I'm Not Too Sure

 I don't even know what to say, my mind is being over run with thoughts. I thought I'd try and type them out but it's bit working. I'm going fucking crazy. I have no gas, so I haven't left the house in 2 days. One of my socalled bestfriends is spreading bullshit rumors. I haven't hardly slept in 2 nights. I'm going crazy. You've been on my mind and I think it's because people always bring you up around me. Because they don't know that you just fucking up and left my life like the piece of shit you want everyone to think you are. Oh god I fucking hate you. I do f hate you I just hate that I love you. And that I can't look hardly anywhere in my bedroom without your face being there somewhere or something there that reminds me if you. I wish I'd never fallen in love with you. I wish I'd never met you, because then I wouldn't have to feel this pain. And god I wish I could talk to someone who didn't call my choices a mistake and would be happy for me and the choices I make. No matter what. And I don't mean my dad. He does that enough. I mean I need a friend that won't judge me for having loved you. Who won't judge me for still loving you even after everything you put me through and still are. Even though you left it doesn't mean that I gave up on loving you and being here for you. Because when you love someone you don't give up. No matter his bad it may kill you inside. 

I will always love you. Even if I move on. There will always be a special place in my heart made especially for you. 

Aging

 I feel when I get older, I'll be sitting on my couch. 

  A bottle of Jack on the shelf, Dr. Pepper in my hand. 

   And ice in my freezer. 

 I'll be smoking a cigarette taking shots and chasing it. 

  Enjoying my liquor, my nicotine, and life.

   I'll be sitting alone wondering why I'm not a wife. 

 I'm sorry for my brashness, my addiction, and my trashiness. 

  But I enjoy my liquor. Yes, even at my young age. 

   It's such a sweet deliverance from this craziness of life. 

 I hate that I enjoy it. I hate it. I hate me. 

  But it's all I can do. 

   To make myself feel free. 

Darkness Prevails

  I feel sweet ecstasy, this pain that consumes me.
   I was taught to look to the light.
     All it does is make the darkness bite.

  This consumption, is more than my paradise.
    It helps me see.
      Clears the air for me to breathe.

  There is no darkness.
    There is no light.
      Just the absence of peace.

  Or the lack of fight.
    I have no peace.
      I have no spite.

  It was taken from me when I tried my own sight.
    Don't try, especially at night.
      That's when the worst come alive.

  They can possess your mind.
    No matter how hard you fight.
      It doesn't matter, dark or light.

  Don't lose your control.
    They'll use your thoughts as a poll.
      Making you question your everything.

  Doubt the anger, the fear, and questioning.
   Be you, please, I'm begging.
     They already got me.

  Don't doubt this.
   The only way to stay free.
     I need help to find me.
 
   

A Deadly Welcoming

All I want is someone to love me for me and not judge me for having loved you and I hate when the past comes back to haunt you. I hate when the past compliments you and implies that they love you. The past is a beautiful thing but it's not for me. I don't like the past and yes I loved you but I don't need you anymore so just stay away from me. The only person I want to keep from my past is the first man I ever loved and I doubt he'll ever want me again. I'm trying so hard to change and become someone better but I can't. I'm moving on to something better but in no way is it actually better. I just want to take my pills and go to my happy place. Where I feel warm and welcome and I can't feel pain. I just want the past to fuck off and let me loose of it's ever so tightening hold. I'm moving on. I'm getting away from it all. I've been clean from pills for almost 2 months now and I'm trying so hard to keep it that way but if this shit keeps popping up it's going to drive me to pop them in my system. I miss the way they held me at night. Slowly spinning downward into my dreams. Waking up and feeling more refreshed than ever. The warm fuzzy feeling when they would finally kick in. The smile they would put on my face. And when no one else was there for me. The pills were. They always were. I gave them up to better myself. To find what reality was once more, but they keep calling me back to them. And I've been refusing and refusing but the bitter taste on my tongue, chased by a cool drink of water. It just sounds so welcoming and wonderful. 

Really?

  Wow, you really believe that the one girl who would do anything in this whole entire world, and I mean ANYTHING, would really just play you like that? And then, you run off telling her best friend how much you love her, and how much you've changed, just so you could be with her.
  No, not the girl who would give everything away for just one last day with you, but for the girl who sees you as the most terrible, person on the planet. 
 I LOVE YOU. 
  Okay? Get that through your thick ass fucking head. I would rather die than hurt you. But, no. What do I even mean to you? I'm just the girl you call on a late night when you don't wanna drink alone. The girl you know would just sit there and listen to you cry about how much you love someone else, even though it kills me inside. I'm just the girl you know will always be there no matter how many times you break my heart, or leave me hanging. I've been here for you since I met you. Love at first sight. I never believed in it until I met you. The day I watched you walk over to the truck and look me square in the hi, and introduce yourself. That's when i fell for you. 
 And it just got worse as time went on, we hung out all the time. I saw you almost everyday. Then you and her got together, 7-19-11. I couldn't forget that date even if I wanted to, which I do. It killed me, watching you fall so madly in love with her, while I just sit back and watch with a hellish fire burning in my heart and soul for you. Did I try to interfere to have you as my own? God no, never, I couldn't hurt two of my greatest friends. 
  Then time went on, y'all eventually broke up. The greatest relief was lifted off my shoulders, yet, I still had to sit back and watch her cry over you, day and night. Damn, you don't know what you had. More time went on still, and we all slowly grew apart, until one day, you realized you wanted to be with my other best friend. Haha, I still had a fiery passion for you, that was getting harder and harder to resist. yet, once again I strayed away so my friends would be happy. The day y'all got engaged, wow... I can't even explain how hot the fire in my heart got. it was like I was trapped in an incinerator. Everything inside me burned, the tears of pain, my mind from working so hard to figure out what had really just happened. And then it happened again, I watched y'all slowly grow apart,and eventually she left you for another man. Yeah, I know how bad it hurt you. Trust me, I know. Watching the person you're so deeply in love with be with someone else. I know that fucked up feeling all too well. Whether they knew it or not, I still talked to you. Why? Because I loved you and I couldn't just watch you fall into the quicksand pit named depression, with no hopes of someone pulling you out. So I was there, day, night. Any time of the day, and at all times throughout the night. I barely slept, just so I could talk to you. And fuck if you don't know the hell I went through when they found out I was still talking to you. Man, I never lived that down. And still to this day I catch the phrases, "Oh you don't need dumb fuck Troy," or, "Really Kayla, you're still friends with his punk ass," and, here's my favorite, "Let me find out you're still talking to that mother fucker." 
  But you know what I did? I brushed that shit off my shoulders and moved on, I'm tired of hiding what I feel for you. I wish I could shout it from every roof top in the world. I don't care who knows anymore. You've saved my life, you've listened to me cry, and you've held me while I cried myself to sleep in your arms. 
  I can't live without you in my life, I wish I could explain exactly what it does to me. But, that's impossible.
   Without you in my life; I can't feel, literally, I could run myself head long into a brick wall goes 100 miles an hour and not feel a thing. I can't sleep, I stay up all night thinking of ways I could get you to realize, that if you were to ever be with me, you wouldn't have to worry about me leaving you for someone else, you wouldn't have to worry about, getting played, or fucked over. You would have all of me, my heart, my soul, my mind, and my body. But, I guess the day you realize that, will be the day hell freezes over. Because, the one girl who cares about you the most in this world besides your family, could never be anything more than just a friend to you. So, I'll go on with my life. Loving you, helping you, listening to you, trying everything I can to make you see how absolutely wonderful of a man you are. While you run around, letting yourself get hurt by people that could give less than two shits about you.
  Just know, when you're ready; I'll always be here. Waiting for you to realize just how much you mean to me. Waiting to show you, how you're really supposed to be treated. I'll love you until the day and I die, and even after that I swear I'll find a way to continue loving you. You're the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I will never give up on you damnit. Never.

 I fucking love you. I always have. I always will.